Our Human Legacy

I read a post on Facebook today, which yes, was my first mistake. It was about the President and was just some dumb photoshopped sign that wasn't funny at all. And when I say that it wasn't funny at all, I don't mean that I didn't find it funny because I didn't agree with the post...I mean I didn't find it funny because I am in possession of a sense of humor and the post literally had no joke in it. But, of course, a bunch of people "liked" the post -- including people I'm friends with -- and thought it was totally clever and amusing, I imagine because it involved a church sign that was implying that somehow the President is ungodly or doesn't believe in the right republican version of God or doesn't pray the right way or whatever.

Now, I'm not going to even address the content or the fact that Republicans need to fucking put God away when it comes to politics. This country has a separation of Church and State, whether you like it or not, so to bring any kind of religion into the discussion goes against OUR COUNTRY. The country you people won't seem to shut up about. 

What I am going to address is the multitude of people in the comments who said they wished the President would go die. Him, his wife...I didn't see mention of his kids but I didn't scroll through every single comment. 

For anyone who has ever wished someone really and truly dead, someone that's not Hitler or Pol Pot or something like that, GROW THE FUCK UP. YOU are the PROBLEM. Life is precious. Death cannot be taken back. Every single person on this Earth has someone that loves them and cares about them and thinks that they're the sun and the moon. Every single person on this Earth has a person that will cry for days and weeks and years because of that loss. 

The fact that you can say or write or express those thoughts about someone is horrific and atrocious. You are beyond childish. You are beyond pathetic. You are beyond evil. You are a festering, decaying mold. You are plaguing the world with your thoughts of death and destruction. You are tearing apart your own life and the happiness of others with your ugly remarks. 

Please, go look in the mirror. Take a long, hard look at yourself. I dare you. Stare at yourself in that mirror for five whole minutes. Think about the hate you spew on a daily basis and watch it land back onto you. 

Quit hiding behind God. You don't KNOW any more than the rest of us do. Everything that you feel is a hunch, just like the rest of us. You don't have a direct dial line to the big guy upstairs and you're not on his fucking email list. Just because you use the word "God" doesn't mean that everything that you say and do is magic and it most certainly doesn't mean that everything you say or do in his name is okay. A lot of people have done a lot of REALLY fucking bad things in the name of God and not one single one of those people thought that history would convict them. No. They all were expecting vindication.

Do you really want to be grouped with these people? Do you really want to make that your mark on the world? Cause it is. Here's the thing, we're constantly looking for the meaning of life. We're constantly wondering how it is we're supposed to change the world. We change the world every day. It's in the way we interact with each other. We affect people with every single contact. What we say and do helps to shape the people that witness these things. So, when you're busy putting people down, or telling them they're going to hell or saying that you wish they were dead...you are helping to chisel away at the foundation of that person and anyone capable of empathy in the surrounding area. That is part of your human legacy. And if you think that I'm exaggerating maybe try looking in that mirror one more time and saying any of the things you say to others at your own reflection. Say it with the vehemence and disgust you normally do. Look yourself in the eye with the raw hatred you so quickly throw around. 

Now, do that daily. See how long it takes you to feel like shit about yourself. See how long it takes you to question yourself. 

Congratulations. That's your legacy.

And guess what? I still don't wish you dead.      

Vaginas Unite!

Is this really how things are going to be? 

Rebel Wilson is apparently 35 and not 29 and the world has gone fucking ape shit over it. Meanwhile, Maggie Gyllenhaal was told that she's apparently too old to be cast as the love interest of a 55 year old man. 

Are you fucking kidding me?

Come on, ladies! Get angry. I mean, if we're not going to get angry over the fact that men keep telling us over and over again that we need to stop tempting them into rape, we have to start getting angry over the silly shit. 

Maggie Gyllenhaal is 37. These are all of the men that she's too old to play love interest against:

Sean Penn

James Spader

Colin Firth (poor girl)

Jean Claude Van Damme

Stanley Tucci

Brad Garret

Hugh Grant

Timothy Hutton

Damon Wayans

Chris Elliot

John Schneider (Bo Duke)

Thomas Hayden Church

Leland Orser

David Duchovny

Oliver Platt

Are you fucking kidding me?????????

Seriously. Read the list over again. If you're not fucking pissed off by the time you hit "Timothy Hutton" something is seriously wrong and the self-loathing must stop. 

No one gender is better than the other. Why can we not seem to understand that? Men are not better than women. Women are not better than men. And we, as human beings, all deserve to be treated without prejudice. 

I've got news for you, if a then 69 year old Sean Connery could play opposite a then 29 year old Catherine Zeta Jones, then Maggie Gyllenhaal can play opposite Damon Wayans or damn Damon Wayans Jr. 

We need to stop thinking that there's some kind of beauty and tradition in archaic and harmful behavior from the past. 

And leave goddamn Rebel Wilson alone. She is literally paid to pretend to be someone else. As far as I can tell, she's just really fucking committed to her craft. Besides, she's got like two years to star in movies with every 55 year old actor she can find -- she's busy.   

Kendall Jenner Suction Duck Lips

Have you ever stopped what you were doing and looked around, wondering "what the fucking fuck are we doing here?"

Sorry, more explanation is probably best. We're used to a certain level of stupid on planet Earth. A lot of it doesn't even phase us too much anymore. We just ignore it. Like the popularity of the selfie stick or the fact that we all pay for water now. For fucking water. And most of us in the first world have collectively agreed that we'd rather buy a shit ton of disposable cups/bottles/cans and throw them, essentially, on the ground than just clean a fucking glass on a regular basis. If that isn't accepted stupidity, you're stupid.

But then, sometimes, things happen that are so stupid that it gives you pause. That you seriously stop what you're doing because the stupid has rendered you immobile for at least a short period of time.

The most recent one of these for me was that fucking insane Kendall Jenner duck lip in a glass because I don't truly understand how suction works bullshit. I mean, are we kidding here? Seriously. Are we fucking kidding here?

I remember being a teenager and I remember being stupid. I remember asking my dad "how they hanging" and getting a lecture, having no fucking clue I just inquired after the state of his balls. But this is just astronomically stupid. Molecularly stupid. Paralyzingly stupid. Paralyzing for the observer, mind you. Not nearly paralyzing enough for the stupid.

And I'm not saying that every teenager is this stupid. But seriously. What the fuck? Kendall Jenner has lip injections but doesn't want to admit it so she says she's just doing her makeup differently and this is what it turns into?

The logical assumption? Easy. The truth. Kendall Jenner got lip injections and didn't want to admit it.

The witheringly stupid teen assumption? Kendall Jenner is using a fucking glass to suction her lips, mimicking the effects of lip injections. Cause yeah, that's what she would've done. I mean, let's face it, Kendall Jenner probably only admitted to the lip injections to stop the morbidly stupid teens from continuing to suction their fucking faces off.

Which begs the question...did all these teens get together and sacrifice themselves on the altar of social media to out Kendall Jenner and her lip injections? Almost making them pop culture idiot savants?

Fuuuuuuck. I just blew my mind.

*five minutes later*

The stupidity really is paralyzing.

And then I remember that Kendall Jenner and her lip injections don't fucking matter at all. Not even a little bit. If Kendall Jenner would've taken the identical amount of money she spent on the lip injections and donated it to charity, that would've mattered. Maybe a charity revolving around plastic surgery for reconstructive purposes. Or if she would've used it as a chance to say "listen, I feel more comfortable this way. I'm an adult and this is my face and this is the decision I've made. Butt out." that would've mattered.

But she didn't and it doesn't.

And then I realize that the impressively stupid teens win anyway because I've been thinking about Kendall Jenner for a fucking hour. Why do I even know who Kendall Jenner is? Why is my brain using that space for Kardashian information instead of something more important like an eidetic Netflix memory or the ability to accurately balance a checkbook? This is probably why the only thing I retained from three years of calculus is simply the word "derivative" and a vague memory of a squiggly symbol that always reminded me of Lavern Defozio.

Am I to blame here, too? Of course I am. I'm overwhelmingly proud of the fact that I've never seen an episode of any Kardashian show yet...I scroll internet sites and posts and read comments and get pissy and call people names as I point at my computer screen. I do all of that. Instead of reading a book or taking a walk or whatever else I could be doing.

Man, this whole Kendall Jenner thing is a real mind fucker.

Buddy, The Elf

We just moved from Los Angeles to Portland. Basically. Los Angeles is really Venice. Portland is really Hillsboro. Portland, as in Oregon not Maine. And "we" is my fiancé and I, along with my mom.  

The move itself was pretty decent although the professionals hired to pack up my mom's stuff clearly have never packed anything before in their entire lives. They're also illiterate. Boxes filled with clothes were labeled as books. Breakable items were packed underneath what might as well have been barbells. And they literally individually wrapped and boxed all of my mom's recycling that she had set aside to take down to the recycling bin in her garage. The three of us shared a moving van, so it's no surprise that we're still finding a lot of my things at my mom's new place and vice versa. 

The move really has been pretty decent, though. The dog is almost totally unfucked up now with all the space she has. Turns out what buys you a jail cell in Los Angeles buys you three floors in Portland. Abigail is 5 pounds. She was exhausted and overwhelmed for like three weeks, refusing to move from one floor to another and instead just perching herself on a landing and barking her motherfucking ass off all pissy-like. Now, she leaves us to our own devices and trots off wherever she feels like. 

My Elf bobblehead is not nearly as carefree as the dog is, however. He did not survive the move. Technically, he bit it yesterday but since we've only been here about a month it's being grandfathered in. He's still sitting on the mantle, all pathetic, in two pieces. His body is on its stand, all upright and doing what it can to still look dignified despite having no head and, well, wearing yellow tights and an elf costume. But his head is just lying there next to him. Like some sort of ridiculous reminder to the masses what the life of a criminal gets you back in the days of the guillotine. Will Ferrell's eyes are wide open and lifeless and his mouth is just barely open, like he's expelling his last elf breath or doing a Big Mouth Billy Bass impression.

I can't stop looking at it. It's almost hypnotizing.  And with the mantle still pretty sparse,  it's like there's a spotlight on the little guy. His head is starting to look like a balloon to me. I imagine a string at the bottom of it and it floating up to the ceiling. Our fireplace is right next to the glass doors to our balcony and I watch in my mind as Buddy the Elf goes floating outside, first still hovering over our space and eventually being carried off by the breeze into the trees that line the walking path behind us. 

I wonder what Buddy will see. How far will he go? Will he rise higher and higher or get caught amongst all of the branches and end up caught, forever stuck and watching -- free but not free at all? 

There's so much green outside, here. And there's so much space. I haven't seen this much space on a regular basis since I moved to Los Angeles, a decade ago. Buddy could go far, see a lot of shit, if he manages to make it past the treetops. 

It stays light here really late, too. I like that. It's only the very beginning of May and there's still light in the sky at 8:00 at night. Reminds me of summers as a kid. I don't mind the colder temperatures but I do have to get used to them. I'm loving the rain. Buddy'll have to watch out for the rain. I bet he'll find a way to make it fun, though. That's what's so great about him - he can find the joy in anything. And he puts syrup on his spaghetti. 

How funny would it be to have an Elf-themed Christmas party this year? Dishes of candy, candy canes and candy corns all over the place. Obviously, spaghetti to eat with a bottle of syrup amongst the add-ins. Two-liters of Coke for people to drink and really terrible coffee. BUT...coffee cups that say "the world's best coffee". The place could be decorated like Christmas on steroids, with paper link garlands everywhere and Lite Brites spelling out "Merry Christmas".

I think I've seen this movie too much.

Fuck, it's only May.

Plus, I have no friends here yet. 

And maybe I should work on my wedding in November instead of an Elf Christmas party. 

I better have friends by Christmas, though.

Of course I'll have friends, look at the fucking kick ass ideas I have for parties!

Buddy'd be a good Halloween costume, too. I don't think I could pull off the gold leggings, though. I mean, those are super gold. They're like "goldenrod". I could dress up Abbie like a little elf, too. She'd be adorable! And she'd totally hate it, which would make her even more cute. 

Pink! just came on. She's pretty damn awesome. I like her. Strong woman. I bet she likes Elf. I bet she could pull off those gold tights. I bet she'd tell me that I could too, though. She seems like that kind of chick. 

I'm gonna keep the bobblehead. Fix it or do something with it. You can't get rid of Buddy. Maybe I'll tie his head to a balloon or a kite and let the wind take him. Let him see the country. Maybe I'll add a pluggy thing to the bottom of his head and use him as a wine bottle stopper! Or keep him in my purse and use him to freak out strangers. 

Hey, it's raining. When did that happen?