My Truth

My anxiety has been worse lately. I'm not exactly sure why. My husband thinks it could be just a release of emotion. He says that because I've been operating in "emergency mode" for a while now that my brain was basically just shutting shit off. And now that things are returning to a bit of normalcy that my brain feels like it's safe to stop ignoring some of its strongest impulses. 

That makes sense to me. Doesn't change that things are sucking right now, though.

I've had three panic attacks in four days and my "day off" wasn't a trip to Disneyland. Some attacks I can classify as minor but the one I had on Friday was a fucking volcanic eruption of panic, anxiety, anger and depression. Every single ounce of control that I normally grab onto out of sheer fear absolutely left me. Impulses raged like I haven't felt in years and echoes in my head of conversations past worked at chipping away my self-made esteem. 

Life right now could be much harder, I one hundred percent get that. I just had a close friend lose a parent, a past work colleague is in the process of losing one as well and my very best friend in the world is also going through a lot of family health issues. There are a butt-load of things that could've gone much worse but it's possible that I'm finding out my brain can only process a certain number of calls to the paramedics within a certain period of time.

Anyway, I'm not really looking to talk too much about that. More than anything, I don't want people 1) feeling sorry for me or 2) thinking I want people to feel sorry for me. Pity isn't something I'm comfortable with. I'm not honestly sure what I am wanting to talk about right now. I know that there are words inside of me looking to get out, I know that. And I know that I'm hoping something that I put on this page is something that someone else will read and find help in, even if it's simply being able to say, "I am not alone."

I know that I developed impulses as a kid that I hid from everyone I knew that helped me cope with my pain. And I also know that when I dabbled in suicidal thoughts at that same age, I decided that I was just being a trendy adolescent and that there was nothing I really needed to worry about despite these other impulses that were very real and that I was very much acting on. 

I know that these impulses got stronger as I got older and that the first time I ever had a witness, it became an indelible and scary memory -- for both of us, I imagine. I know that I've worked very hard to not give in to these impulses but I also know that there are people incredibly close to me that I've never shared them with and that when I made the very adult decision to see a psychiatrist that I never mentioned this to her whatsoever. 

Part of me is ashamed, I know that. Part of me doesn't want to worry loved ones, that's for sure. Part of me truly thinks that my problem isn't important enough to mention to a doctor. And the rest of me can't quite make my square peg fit into the round hole that is self-harm, even though I'm guessing the pegs are squishy and foamy and can be successfully molded into many shapes. 

My husband and I screwed up after our wedding and so I haven't had health insurance these past six months but that will be changing next month. So, I'm hoping that I can start healing again once June starts. So, you know, Wednesday. 

I realize how greatly my life has been affected by this, and not just my past life but my future. These problems of mine are one of the reasons why, despite loving the shit out of all the kids close to me, I've set the idea of children to the side. I know so much of what plagues me is something other people in my family have dealt with and I just can't seem to make myself okay with tempting fate and making a child of mine feel like this. The idea that my son or daughter would cry themselves to sleep at night without knowing the reason why, devastates me. The idea that they would think they were worthless even once, let alone on a regular basis is one of those things that I can't seem to get past. 

In a lot of respects, I feel like the best way for me to be a mother is to make sure that I don't pass this on. I feel like these potential children of mine don't deserve to live a life plagued with pain and fear. 

And all of that is just based on what's going on in their own heads. Add on top of that the stigma from the world about mental illness and it just seems like the best thing I can do for my kids is to not have them. I don't wish this on anyone else, let alone the very people that I would love most in life. 

And, yes, the stigma is getting better. Much better. But it's still there. There are still memories I have of a friend telling me that I was foolish for deciding to go to a psychiatrist because he followed the Tom Cruise method of health care. At my lowest points, my brain still loops through a conversation about suicide I had once where I was told in no uncertain terms how selfish I was for even thinking about the topic and that anyone who considers this doesn't deserve the life they have. This conversation actually played very heavily in my thought process this past Friday and despite the fact that I know I shouldn't, the words still echo in my head and try to convince me that they're true. That even though I was reaching out for help, I somehow don't deserve to live. 

I don't want to be the reason that anyone is ever told these words. I don't want to have the power to prevent this pain and then not use it because of some societal rule that married people should procreate or even because of some desire I have to see if my kids would be the kindest, funniest, most creative kids in the world as I think they would probably be (just based on how awesome my husband and I are). 

I feel like the responsible thing for me (and just for me, I don't know anyone else the way I know myself) is for me to stop my cycle here. I think I would be a good mom and I think this decision sort of solidifies that. And I think that somewhere inside of me, I've always known this was how it was going to be. And that's why I've spent my entire life channeling my voice as a writer, to give anything of myself that might be worth anything to the world. 

And I know this might sound pompous, like I'm saying the world would benefit from my wisdom and compassion but in some respects, I'm just proud of myself that I can say that statement with a straight face. At my darkest moments, I taunt myself by repeating that I don't deserve to be alive but if I can say that the world is a better place with me in it then maybe irreparable damage hasn't been done. Maybe it's still possible for me to not let this disease win and to be in more control of the voice inside my head. 

My husband and I have always said that if we get any surprises, we're just going to go with it. That if fate determines things that we weren't setting out to do or be, that we'd trust in fate and embrace our new roles happily. And that's still true. Neither of us is a baby, though, so I don't really know what those chances are especially without trying but I'm still bleeding annoyingly once a month so game is still technically on. 

In conclusion, I have no idea if anything I said here means anything to anyone. I have no clue if my words or thoughts can help anyone else in a similar situation or position. But I do know that if you're reading this and anything I said sounds familiar to you, that you're not alone. I know that it might feel that way but you have a friend out there in me. I know some of what you're feeling and above all, I know the struggle you go through every goddamn day. And I know something else. I know that you deserve to be happy. I know that no matter what goes through your head that you shouldn't be punished for being in pain. And I know that you want help, even if the idea of help scares you in every fiber of your being. 

So, please keep asking for help, if you can. From friends, from family, from clergy or a hotline. Or me. Just keep asking. Because you are not your worst fears. You are not the thoughts that creep into your head at night. You are not nothing. You are amazing and special and unique. And the world deserves a chance to get to know you and maybe, just maybe, be changed for the better just by you being a part of it. 

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

God Doesn't Make Mistakes

I'd like to talk for just a minute to my religious and faithful brethren out there. No matter who you pray to or what God you worship -- I'm not trying to single any faith out here. 

There's a statement, an idea, that I've heard all of my life and I'm hearing it being thrown around a lot right now. Most of you can guess the topic which brings out this statement but I'm making a point to not even address the statement in a particular context. I'd just like to talk about the statement itself. 

First off, I'd like to just say that although I'm no longer religious, I don't have a problem with the concept of this statement, just for anyone thinking that I'm looking to pick apart a common religious sentiment just for the hell of it. 

This is not what's going on. This is just my half of a discussion that I'd really like to be a part of. And the discussion involves this statement right here:

GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.

Now, most of the time when people use this -- or at least when they shout it boldly from behind their computer screens -- it's to talk about how something we humans are doing to mess with God's plan. And that's the use of the statement that I'd like to address here. 

I would like to quickly preface here that for the sake of this discussion, I'm asking that we all just jump on board with the concept of God. Afterwards, feel free to believe what you like God-wise. We all got that sweet, sweet free will (from God, if that's what you believe) to make our own choices about our lives and I'm not looking to change any of that.

So, anyway. People, let's talk about God not making mistakes. 

The thing is, you're right. God is God. If God is the all-powerful being we believe God is, God does not make mistakes. God has a plan. God doesn't just "wing it". And if God does, the winging goes well. God is God. 

So, here's my two cents:

How dare you question God's plan? How dare you, a mere mortal, decide what is part of God's plan and what isn't? Who are you to decide what God has intended for us? How are you, human, able to so decipher the complexities of God?

Is it instinct you're using? A hunch you have that something you're witnessing doesn't seem "kosher" to you? What exactly are you using as your basis for telling people that GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES? 

Because you're no more special than the rest of us. You have no finer link to God than everyone else. God made sure we all had the direct dial line. And it's pretty incredible that you feel that you have better knowledge and vision as to what God has set in motion for us.

And that -- that arrogance that you possess that makes you think that you have the ability and the right to pick apart and judge God and God's plan -- is a sin. And it's a big one. You haven't refused to go to bed when your parents tell you or decided to watch the game instead of paying a visit to God's house, you're questioning God. 

Because, you know what? And this is for real. I mean, really for really real. Please take this next sentiment very seriously. You have no evidence that anything that is happening -- at any time -- is not part of God's plan. In fact, God is pretty fucking powerful, so the idea that someone could actually come along and interfere with God's plan is a little fucking silly if you're a true Believer. 

So, I guess the question for you is: Are you a true Believer? Are you truly among God's faithful? Because each and every time you question God like this, you're essentially saying "you fucked up, God. This shouldn't be happening. Man is more powerful than you and can change your will whenever he or she likes." Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're trying to tell God?

You are all right, GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES. That's an impossibility for a Believer. So whatever you're questioning, whatever it is that seems so ungodly to you, understand that it's your lack of faith in God's plan leading you to these statements. Instead ask yourself:

What's God trying to teach me?

What's God trying to show me?

How is God making this an opportunity for me to show my strength and love in God's plan and for all of God's children?

Because the thing is, God doesn't make mistakes. God always knows. God is everywhere, in everyone and in everything. God offers us the chance to grow in every situation we're in: in love, in compassion and in understanding. 

As human beings and Believers, we need to stop questioning God. We need to stop pretending that we can ever possibly understand God. If we believe that God is real (and at least for the sake of this blog that's what we're doing) and that God is where we all come from, how could we possibly wrap our heads around everything that God is? It's just insulting to God to even imply that's possible. 

And no true Believer is ever looking to insult God. 

So, please, if you're a true Believer I ask that you stop using the statement GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES to tell other's that what they're doing is ungodly. Because, quite frankly, you have no idea. And maybe it's time we repurpose this phrase and use it at face value and the next time you witness someone passing this kind of judgement onto another person, you can quietly tell them "listen, man. God doesn't make mistakes. This is all part of The Plan."

Tough Love Week -- Native Americans

I'm feeling really sick today but I wanted to try something that I call Tough Love week, where each day I broach a topic that affects me personally that I may have been avoiding a little bit, as to not piss off people close to me (or in my vicinity). Or at least that's the idea. But, hell, it's Tuesday so technically I've already missed the first day of Tough Love Week so who knows where I'll end up with this thing!

This wasn't the topic I was going to start off Tough Love Week with but it seems the best choice for the situation I'm in, since I'm not really in the mood to sugar-coat anything, especially something I feel is a topic that shouldn't even remotely be a fucking thing anymore (or technically ever). 

So, let's hit it, shall we?

Why in the fucking hell do we still think it's okay to be completely and totally aggressively racist to Native Americans? And how is it that we refuse to even acknowledge the very real truth of this statement?

I mean, The Washington Redskins (fuck you, very much) are literally going to the Supreme Court to argue that their fucking team's identity is apparently more important than an entire people's identity. And, honestly, I can't even fucking wrap my head around the goddamn idea of this. Which is why I'm swearing even more than normal.

What in the actual fuck is wrong with people? How do you honestly think that your sports team means more than real human beings? Seriously, like I want an answer to come from the wind or something. I want someone somewhere to actually answer me right now and have that answer be carried through fucking magic or something and be spoken aloud to me as I sit here typing. Because that's how fucking messed up this whole situation is -- it makes one fucking insane. 

And here is where this topic hits close to home for me. I grew up in Cleveland, Ohio. Land where this used to be a thing:

Yeah, there he is all huge and shit. Just staring you in the face with his cherry-red skin, huge-ass grin and other lovely accouterments. Do you know how many people I've heard wax fucking poetic about this violently racist image? And the thing is, we know perfectly well that you don't need a goddamn emblem to identify with your home team. We identify with the Browns pretty fucking amazingly and they have no "logo", no cheerleaders, no identifying marks on their helmets and hardly any fucking wins. Yet, we're still so vehemently loyal to that team that when Art fucking Modell tried to move them to stinking Baltimore, we sued his piece of shit ass and told him that he could take his fucking players anywhere he wanted but that team and everything that goes with it wasn't his to move. 

But, for real, I have heard so many goddamn people talk about Chief Wahoo like he's a real goddamn person. Like his ethereal existence is more fucking important than every single one of the people that he has been tearing down with that toothy motherfucking grin of his. 

You know what? Here's some real talk for anyone who is still sore about Wahoo being removed from the Indians roster of identifying characters:

You are an asshole. Chief Wahoo doesn't exist. He's not real. I don't care how much he's meant to your existence and childhood. He's fucking racist and he should have never, ever existed in the first place. Saying that he means something to you is like saying that Ronald McDonald is a buddy and that if he ever goes away, you'll fucking cry yourself to sleep at night...IF clowns were a race of people and Ronald McDonald was a fucking offensive example of their people and culture. But it's not and he's not, so crying over the McDonald's mascot would actually be less embarrassing and stomach-turning. 

And that's just Chief Wahoo. That's nothing to say of the fact that the team is still called the Cleveland Indians. It's still named after a fucking race of people. AND it still keeps the term "Indian" in our vernacular when that, in and of itself, is fucking racist.

I mean, for real, could we all fucking stop pretending that Columbus was awesome? I'm not trying to say that he was a moron. I didn't know him so I have no idea. But he did mess up his little boat trip. And he did still claim to discover a land that already had fucking people there. And he fucking renamed those people that didn't actually need new names AND he renamed them the laziest fucking name he could, probably to make himself feel better over the fact that he didn't end up where he intended. 

And we celebrate him.

Just that alone should be enough info to let go of the moniker that he established and pay just the tiniest bit of respect to both Native Americans and actual Indian people. Let alone, I dunno, maybe getting rid of stupid-ass Columbus Day. And for anyone seriously bummed at losing a federal holiday, we can easily just make Veteran's Day a federal holiday. It's only a month away from Columbus Day and, I don't know, I kind of think our vets deserve a national holiday more than some lazy-ass racist who has marked our country in such an embarrassing and indelible way. 

And then there's our country's other BIG thing. And I know that a whole shit ton of people are going to get so fucking mad here. People I know. People I don't know. People who have never even heard of me will feel my words brush against their cheeks and automatically hate my very essence. 

Let's talk about Thanksgiving.

And please know that this one is hard for me, too. I fucking love turkey and mashed potatoes. And no one makes homemade mashed potatoes like I do. They're seriously incredible and I've had people write sonnets about them. I also, for a long time, really liked that because Thanksgiving was national and non-religious that you didn't have to hear people bitch and moan about it taking the "Christ" out of it or being pissed that someone else's religion that takes place during the same period of time as a Christian one was somehow infringing on territory that doesn't belong to anyone in particular. But whatever, that's a different blog to piss off different people. 

But, I digress. Delicious food aside, how can we not understand how fucked up it is to celebrate Thanksgiving? And I've heard more than once the fucking awesome reasoning that we celebrate all of the things that we're thankful for at Thanksgiving and therefore the holiday is awesome. But you know what? That's fucking bullshit. And here is why:

1. That's a total fucking excuse. You don't need a holiday to be thankful. But if you want one, that's valid. The thing is, we have to move it, we have to rebrand it AND we have to take the whole first fucking thanksgiving out of it because that's where the disgusting problems come about. 

2. We have done everything in our power to turn this holiday into a pre-Christmas retail nightmare instead of a legitimate holiday. It's become more and more about gearing up for Black Friday and fucking sales for Christmas than anything else. Like most everything in this country, it's become all about money and things and stuff and possessions. So, tell me again, what it is exactly that we're trying to preserve? 

3. And finally, celebrating gratitude by highlighting one of our most shameful periods in history is, well, inexcusable. It's contemptible and quite frankly, villainous. We slaughtered a people. We fucking slaughtered a people, people. And for anyone who says that you weren't there so it wasn't you...by owning and celebrating the holiday of Thanksgiving, you are taking on the actions of the pilgrims and identifying with them as Americans instead of the people already here. Therefore, you have taken these actions and spread them on yourself like the blood of the people they for very real killed. And they didn't just kill them. They took their hospitality. They pretended to broker a peace. They let themselves be saved and then they turned around and they slaughtered their saviors. And now, we celebrate this. We teach our children about the first Thanksgiving and how beautiful it was without immediately telling them how we destroyed that beauty. How we fucking pissed into the eye-sockets of the people that wouldn't let us die when they could have. 

There are so many things that we've done in this country that we've only half-assed an apology for: slavery, internment camps, keeping civil rights from anyone without a white fucking penis, the list goes on and on. But we've never even shit out an apology to Native Americans. Not really. We expect them to be happy on their reservations, like they have the very first American timeshares. We feel like our gracious act of allowing them to have casinos to somehow find a way to support themselves and not die the fuck out is like the most magnanimous fucking thing that's ever been done throughout all of history. We constantly talk about how they're alcoholics and smoke the peyote and basically talk about them like their subhuman. And we've continued to fucking steal their land for whatever we want. For fuck's sake, Mount Rushmore is on Native American land. Land they consider sacred. And we took it and then we defaced the nature of it. And we revere it like the faces fucking etched themselves onto that granite like the face of Jesus on a piece of toast or in the visage of an oil slick on the road. And yeah, that was a pretty cool thing to be able to craft but maybe, just maybe, we could've crafted it somewhere that belonged to us. I mean, fuck, why not just go into Canada and deface some of their shit. "But I defaced it with an American President's face! So, that makes it okay!" But we'd never do that. Cause we think of Canada as a white country and we don't do shit to white people. And if you need references, here are a few (some already listed): slavery, Thanksgiving, internment camps, Manifest Destiny, the fact that we sent back boats of Jews to Hitler before he started gassing people, civil rights, lynchings, Guantanamo...I'm just gonna stop there. And I'm sure there are a lot of people that don't feel this list means anything. They'll feel like this doesn't show any kind of trend to our behavior. And I get it -- cause it's hard to see reality clearly when your head is firmly planted in the sand. 

But, the thing is, this IS reality. This is the legacy of the white man in America. Scroll up and get a good look at Chief Wahoo again. Stare at him. Let him sink into your brain. Set a timer. Look at it for five straight minutes. Keep repeating in your head "REDSKINS, REDSKINS, REDSKINS". Then picture yourself face to face with a Native America, something many people have probably never done. Picture yourself face to face with a Native American and then picture yourself calling him or her a "redskin". Can you picture it? Can you really picture it? Think of how upset people get when they hear the term "hillbilly" or "white trash" and now call him a "redskin" again. And now put Chief Wahoo's face on top of his or hers. 

Are you really still okay with this? Is this really something you think is acceptable? Do you really think that turning a race of people into a caricature, minimizing their existence into simply being your pastime's mascot and then hanging this depiction from banners, putting it on t-shirts and ball caps and chanting it over and over again (Tomahawk Chop) is anything other than contemptuous and reprehensible? 

And if your answer is yes, I honestly only have one piece of advice for you. This is a piece of advice that I haven't given anyone in a really long time. It's not my nature and I, myself, haven't been able to wrap my head fully around the concept in a long while. But here it is, all the same. If your answer is yes to any or all of these questions, you need to sit your ass down and pray. You need to fucking close your eyes and turn your attention to someone or something else that might help you find your way. Because you can't manage it on your own. You've failed at being able to muster the most basic compassion without some God or Savior or Prophet telling you to. So, pray. Close your eyes and pray that someone or something will help you heal the soul inside of you. 

You are not everything. 

You are not most important.

You are not the way.

You're just another speed bump on our road to recovery, trying to fuck up the people actually wanting to make the world a better place. And those people exist, you know. People wanting to make the world better, we exist. You can't shut us up with your rhetoric and you can't keep our voices out with your wall. Nothing you do will stop us from continuing to try. And that's why, no matter what you do, we will always win. Our existence is our gold medal, the winners platform has room for us all and that National Anthem playing in the background isn't just yours. It's time we make America truly great, for the first time in history.