Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Johnny Manziel, The Douchebag's Quarterback

Let me be specific about what my blog is going to be about because with a topic as wide as "Johnny Manziel", it could be anything. This blog is going to have absolutely nothing to do with his ability or inability to play the game of football. Because let's face it, if he doesn't give a fucking rat's ass about his game, why should I? 

What I'm going to be talking about is his fucking attitude problem. And by attitude problem what I really mean is his entire personality and every single bit of behavior he displays. Johnny Manziel and his "smell my own farts" view of himself is so typical and unimaginative that we should just expect this kind of shit from young players. 

We have spent decades in this country worshiping professional athletes. Doesn't matter the sport. Almost doesn't matter the gender. If you're even a little bit successful, you've got carte blanche on pretty much anything and everything. 

DUI? Well, who cares.
Beat your wife or girlfriend? Just this once. Or twice. 
Rape a few people? They were probably asking for it. 
Murder? Yup. That's okay too. 

You can do any fucking thing that you want. Feel free to have zero respect for your teammates, fans, loved ones and even yourself. Don't fucking give a shit about anything besides the money you rake in, how many Twitter followers you have and how many paparazzi stalk you. Get yourself a tv show, an endorsement deal, a merchandising gig and your own fragrance. Because everyone knows that professional athletes smell better than anyone. You're not an athlete, you're a fucking MOGUL, baby!

Johnny Manziel is so not the first of his kind. Fuck, he's not the first of his kind in Cleveland. He's not the first of his kind in Cleveland this very minute. And Cleveland is no different than the rest of the country. LA, NYC, big cities and small. No one is immune and things don't seem to be getting any better. I mean, at least athletes have a skill. Plenty of reality stars behave the same way and their only skill involves turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. 

And they probably wouldn't get that joke, either. 

Johnny Manziel wants to go to the Cowboys? Fucking awesome. Take him, Dallas. Please, make him your goddamn problem. We will literally take anyone in return. A player, a coach, the waterboy, Adam Sandler as The Waterboy, what-the fuck-ever you've got lying around. 

And if you don't want him, say so. Tell the press. Tweet about it. Post it on your Facebook page. Sing it from the top of the tallest building in Texas. Let's be vocal about how unbelievably unacceptable this behavior is. Let's send the message that you cannot be a complete fucking dickface just because you're a professional athlete. 

Maybe, just maybe, we can make sure that Johnny Manziel is the last of his kind. After all, we can't stop him from procreating. That's not legal. And let's face it, if it was, we should've started with Mark Wahlberg. At least Manziel's chances for impotence are probably higher because of all the sacks and shit, but the thing is -- we really can't rely on his black and blue balls alone. Let's see if we can't fix this fucking entitlement issue and force professional athletes to behave only as shitty as the rest of us do.


  1. Funny- Mom and I were talking yesterday about this very topic! I wondered if we could get a ball boy in trade for him?! That would be a huge improvement!

    1. Thanks for the comment!

      Seriously, anyone would be better than this guy. I mean, just the ridiculous amount of showboating and frat boy kind of behavior is pathetic. I get that sometimes success can go to your head -- I think that's pretty human. But when no one at all polices you on it and everyone just lets you get away with everything, it seems like the outcome is always some douchebag monster that tramples his way through the media with a Solo cup in one hand and a beer bong in the other.

  2. He should go talk to Matt Leinart about the direction his career will eventually go: being famous for being bitter about the fact that more talented and upstanding quarterbacks were playing his minutes all his career because professional coaches were sick of dealing with his shit.

    Also he can be famous for having peaked at 19. He can be famous for lots of things! The world is his oyster!