I remember when I was back in middle school, there were three very real constants in my life:
1. The Price is Right will cure any illness.
2. I will eventually marry Jordan Knight from New Kids on the Block.
3. Mike Seaver from Growing Pains was adorable and dreamy.
Sadly, none of those things are true anymore.
1. Even though I'm from Cleveland, Drew Carey annoys me and I don't like him hosting my Price is Right (I have done much better with Steve Harvey as host of Family Feud.)
2. Turns out the one thing I learned from VH1's The Surreal Life was that Jordan Knight was a dick hole. Also, I love my husband.
3. Armchair preacher Kirk Cameron has ruined any and every wonderful memory I have of Mike Seaver. Growing Pains-wise, I would now rather date Sandy (poor, dead Matthew Perry's character is first tv death I bawled at), Luke (prepubescent Leo DiCaprio) and the magnificent Boner Stabone (a very real RIP Andrew Koenig).
A little while ago, my best friend texted me with a link saying, "I swear if you don't blog about this, I will" and here is what the link lead to this quote of Cameron's:
"Wives are to honor and respect and follow their husband's lead, not to tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband. When each person gets their part right, regardless of how their spouse is treating them, there is hope for real change in their marriage. A lot of people don't know that marriage comes with instructions. And, we find them right there in God's word [in the Bible]."
Oh, Kirk Cameron. You know, your sister is super religious too and I'm pretty sure she agrees with most everything you say. I'm pretty sure that's the kind of family that you came from. But you know what? I don't fucking hear her spouting off to anyone with a microphone or tiny recording device perfect for reporting. You know why? Her job is to act. Her job is to pretend to be someone else for our amusement, entertainment and poignancy. Now, you might not have liked Full House. That's fine. You might think this Netflix Fuller House reboot is fucking stupid and unappealing. That's fine, too. But guess what? She's doing her job and she's not hurting anyone in the process. You, ya big dumb mouth hole, decided it was your job to teach us Americans about God and Jesus and stuff. So, instead of just becoming the most fun Sunday school teacher in the neighborhood, you decided to become the world's Sunday school teacher.
Well, know what? My parents handled that for me, thank you very much. I sure as shit don't need Mike fucking Seaver telling me what is and is not acceptable. And you know, for someone who seems to live his life What Would Jesus Do-ing you certainly took a departure from that when you got an entire storyline on Growing Pains changed, had an actress fired from her role and then had them conceive a whole new storyline for you because you didn't like the fact that she had posed for Playboy. I got news for you, Kirk, Jesus wouldn't get someone fired because he didn't agree with a job they did or what he perceived to be their morals. That's not very Jesusy at all.
But, whatever, right? Shit doesn't apply to you, is that it?
So now, let's break down this wonderful little snippet of advice, you feel is so important for us to learn, sentence-by-sentence...
--"Wives are to honor and respect and follow their husband's lead, not to tell their husband how he ought to be a better husband."
Well now, that's just dumb. I'm not saying that wives or husbands should be pushing their spouse around or "instructing" them on what qualifies as being a proper spouse but open communication is absolutely necessary to a good marriage. In fact, I'd go one step further and say that it's your job as a good spouse to be open and honest with your husband or wife about your needs. Cause if there's something that is integral to your happiness and you're making your fucking spouse guess at it, that's just a struggle you're adding to his or her life that he or she doesn't need.
--"When each person gets their part right, regardless of how their spouse is treating them, there is hope for real change in their marriage."
For real, fuck you, Kirk Cameron. If you think anyone should stay in an abusive marriage, you're a dick. That is some of the least Christian shit I've ever heard. I understand that marriage vows are sacred but if you seriously think that Jesus Christ would tell a man or a woman to stay in a marriage where they were being hurt or assaulted, you are fucking more stupid than Mike Seaver ever was. We, as a society, have worked so incredibly hard at making sure that abused spouses know they have places to go in order to get away from their harmful environments and you shove the Bible in our faces and try to use it to convince people not to seek help?
And let me ask you, sir, if there are kids in these families, you think it's okay to keep them in abusive environments? You think it's okay to teach them that this behavior is acceptable? You think it's okay to teach them that they shouldn't protect themselves if they were in this same situation? You think it's okay to teach them that a good spouse is someone who is either an abuser or someone who can really take a punch? And what if they're being abused as well? You think a good parent keeps their child in a situation where they're being hurt? You think Jesus would be okay with that? You think Jesus would just tell the abused spouse to stay put and let their kid become the target?
Dude, there isn't even one thing about that sentiment that makes sense. Not only have you totally missed the point of anything Jesus ever said but I believe someone once said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting change to occur is insanity. Therefore, getting your role "right" regardless of how you're being treated will never produce "change".
--"A lot of people don't know that marriage comes with instructions. And, we find them right there in God's word [in the Bible]."
Here's the thing, it seems like you're living in the Old Testament and Jesus, my friend, is in the New. We were taught as Christians, in no uncertain terms, that Jesus brought us the New Testament and that we're to let go of the Old. That's not ours. It's part of our shared religious history, yes, but it's not our book. Our book is the one with Jesus and the Apostles and the amazing sacrifice that was made to take away our sins. Our book is about love. Everything Jesus did was about love. He sacrificed himself for his love for us. But you're just wasting it. You're fucking wasting his love. Instead, you're dwelling on Abraham sacrificing his son Isaac willingly and without question. You're focusing on the great flood and two-by-two in an Arc. You're fucking concentrating on God wiping us out and only having the "chosen" survive. That's not your book, man. You're book is about love and befriending the outcasts of society. A good Sunday school teacher would know that.
Kirk, listen, on the real tip, you need to put away all your scripts about the fucking rapture and remember what your religion really says. Otherwise, your just some asshole who thinks he knows better. And that's pretty damn blasphemes.
Author's Note: A very smart and awesome good friend of mine let me know that the biblical passage referring to "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands...Husbands, love your wives" is from the New Testament, which I totally messed up on. The full passage read a little differently than Cameron seems to be promoting, however: "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord...Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Here, we see sacrifice from both parties whereas Cameron seems to only focus on and promote the woman's part of this equation.