Year Forty and One

So, I've been forty-one for a couple of months now and I would've thought that I'd hate it. And don't get me wrong, I don't love the number, but now that I'm realizing how much of my response to that number comes from what men have told me (men who have decided that they're still sexually spry at the age of 80), I'm a little like "fuck you, whatever".

Basically, me at 41 is pretty unapologetic about who I am.

And that has honestly changed my entire life.

Sure, I'm still married and pretty much all the vital stats are the same but the growth I've had in the past year has been monumental.

Because of health issues, I've spent three-fourths of the past year living with both my new husband and my mom. At different points I've wanted to strangle them both (not really) and I have it on pretty good authority that the feeling is mutual.

But the things I've come to understand have been eye-opening. Things about myself, things about my loved ones, things about the world.

I'd feel, almost, like a whole new person if the woman I am now didn't feel so familiar in so very many ways.

I'll tell you one thing, I like her. I like her a lot.

She speaks her mind. And she's working on not caring about what other people think.

She puts actions to her words. And she tries to really accomplish the goals she's set for herself, not just play at it.

She finds the idea of the unknown more exciting now instead of totally scary. And she's pretty fucking psyched about what the future holds for her.

But enough of the third person.

There are pieces of my life that fit now in a way that they've never fit before. Some of that has to do with me and some of it just has to do with timing and the universe.

I guess in year forty and one I'm realizing that nothing comes before it's due. And some lessons just aren't ready for us to learn from them until the exact right moment in time.

And most importantly, we have to really stand behind what we say. We can't make exceptions about what we believe just because our feelings are hurt. And we have to try and use compassion whenever we can, especially with those we love. Because love, understanding and forgiveness are the greatest gifts we as humans have to give.

And life is truly better for everyone when these things are incorporated into our daily lives.

I'm expecting this next year to bring me more knowledge and growth than the last and I'm kind of hoping that it's like this for a while. I have a hunch it may be. This older and wiser duo they've been advertising is pretty rad. They should add badass to it, though. Cause I'm definitely more of a badass at age 41 than I ever have been before.

I think, maybe, the world just wasn't ready for this me yet.