Faux Paso Doble (it's clever if you know ballroom dancing)

Hey, remember back in 2009 when a reporter from Wonderland magazine asked Megan Fox to talk about director Michael Bay and after dabbling in a few Napoleon insults, she instead compared the director to Hitler? Remember when the world collectively told her to shut the fuck up and have some goddamn decency and then she wasn't asked back to the Transformers franchise and we all began to slowly but surely not give a rat's ass about her? 

Yeah, well, apparently Dancing with the Stars' Cheryl Burke was off somewhere fucking around when all of that went down. Because some-fucking-how we've got another thoughtless, disrespectful and intolerable celebrity making the same kind of paralyzingly asinine remarks.

Sunday during an interview on the "Allegedly With Theo Von & Matthew Cole" podcast, Cheryl Burke was asked who her least favorite celebrity partner was on DWTS. Now, other more seasoned celebrities (and human beings) wouldn't have fallen for this cheap attempt at gossip journalism. Instead of answering, someone more experienced or simply smarter would've refrained and moved on to a different topic. Someone braver might've even called the interviewer out on the low-rate question that shouldn't be regarded as journalism. 

And here is when a thoughtless and ignorant decision to answer a subpar and adolescent question takes a turn into "are you fucking kidding me with this shit" territory.

Instead of deflecting, not only did Burke answer said question but she went on to say that working with Beverly Hills, 90210 star Ian Ziering made her want to slit her wrists. She said she considered jumping off a balcony to injure herself and did so with any partner she was given over the age of 65 (save for Wayne Newton).

You know, I realize that even though it's the year 2016, we've still got quite a way to go on our journey to understanding mental health. I get that there are still a lot of people who don't "believe" in psychiatry and think that issues of this nature are made up, bogus or even worse. And I realize that taking medication for these types of issues is still fairly high on the universal stigma meter. 

I am pretty sure, however, that we've most definitely reached a time when people tend not to joke about committing suicide all that often anymore. Most people, save from a certain breed of schoolyard bully, are in total agreement that making light of the topic of suicide is pretty much completely abhorrent and fucking inexcusable. 

Now, I'm not sure exactly what Cheryl Burke was doing the day that fucking memo went out. I'm assuming it was something like kicking puppies or stealing delicious candy from tiny, tiny babies. Maybe she was telling Make-A-Wish kids that once when she was their age, she swallowed a piece of gum and thought she was going to die so she knew what they were going through. All of these things seem like viable possibilities. 

Cheryl Burke has since apologized for her comments and admits that she was "out of line" in her remarks. And kudos to her for listening to her publicist when the poor fucker called her thirty seconds after the sound waves carrying her words reached a human being's ears. But I wonder if she's really thought about the greater damage that she's done. She's helping to reinforce to those people who are struggling directly with this issue the idea that no one cares about what they're going through. She's diluting the very meaning of the words themselves -- words that should strike a chord when someone hears them. And then there's the more personal level. Just based on numbers alone, there is an almost certain chance that Cheryl Burke knows someone that is or has struggled with suicide, whether she knows it or not. She's admitted to having friends and family that struggle with depression and yet she somehow thought that making light of this issue, with a goddamn microphone in her face, was a totally okay and not at all completely insensitive and disrespectful thing to do. Does she seriously think that some half-assed apology that rings with the truth of a politician's smile is going to repair the damage caused by her callous and incomprehensibly self-absorbed remarks? Does she really even care? Doubtful.  

Hopefully Cheryl Burke will somehow learn from this, although one has to wonder how prepared her brain is for the learning process. I think reading her words, straight from the horse's ass, really puts into perspective just how adolescent and fucking stereotypically "Heather" this 26 year old perpetual Mean Girl is:

"My least favorite [partner] would be Ian Ziering. The fact that his name is not EE-AN and it's EYE-AN makes me want to throw up."

"By the way, I also don't know anybody, so I would have to Google almost every single partner of mine, other than Ian Ziering because I used to watch 90210," she shared. “My mom, my crazy Asian mother, would let me watch an hour a week, and I would watch 90210, 8 p.m. on Wednesdays. I'm like, 'Why, couldn't you give me Luke Perry or Jason Priestley? Why you give me that guy?' I know he's on 90210, but give me Screech [Saved by the Bell actor Dustin Diamond]."

"I mean, I could try and hurt myself," she said. "I thought about that a couple of times. I've got a balcony and was like, 'Should I jump?'...I wouldn't die. I wouldn't die. No. I wouldn't die. I would just be like, 'Hey guys, I'm injured this season. I won't be able to come back 'til next season.'"

"Anyone over the age of 65 I wanted to jump," she added, although she was quick to note that her season five partner, 74-year-old Wayne Newton, was 'lovely'."

She's a real fucking class act, isn't she?

Now, I'm guessing she'll have more learning opportunities than normal right now. She'll probably have plenty of chances to practice not saying stupid-ass shit with the overwhelming number of pseudo-journalists that are sure to beat down her door in the next couple of weeks, hoping for a new nugget of insensitivity and brainlessness.

No matter what, though, I think Cheryl will be able to take this experience and use it to better her relationships with future dancing partners. After all, she probably sees much clearer now how easy it is to lose your footing, misstep and really stick your foot in it. 

HA! Just kidding! She hasn't learned shit. 

Personally, I think the real kicker -- what Alanis Morisette might call "ironic" -- is that if this happened in the 90s, good old Cheryl would be sitting in front of the TV, Wednesday at 8:00, to watch Steve Sanders and company doing a very special episode of 90210 to address fallout from this whole disgusting event.

Girl on Girl Crime

"Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don't we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families! #happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in.... Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!"

Miley Cyrus posted this caption on Instagram, attached to a picture of Kim Kardashian's Kimoji. And, I gotta say, I agree with her. Now don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that I think Kim Kardashian should be famous. I have yet to see a skill displayed in that lady. I mean, fuck talent, just show me something that she actually does besides let cameras follow her around and allow her name to be put on products that she didn't design, didn't create, didn't craft and didn't conceptualize. BUT, having said that, maybe let's not call her a whore. Maybe we shouldn't be calling any woman a whore or slut or whatever word we're using to shame them sexually. I understand that she gained fame for a sex tape. And no, I don't love that. But not because she's naked and fucking Ray J (badly, I might add). But because I don't see her using that platform as a bridge to showcase some skill or art or talent or brand new thought. Seriously, anything in that area. As far as I can tell, her only goal was to be famous. 

But, having said all of that, it's still not a good enough reason to call her a whore. I mean, call her inconsequential. Call her annoying. Call her a hack or talentless. But it's time we stop calling each other whores. After all, it's been 12 years since Tina Fey and Mean Girls told us that we "all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores." And she's right. We have GOT to stop the slut shaming. After all, if you slut shame women and you don't slut shame men, you're not a very good feminist, are you? Men and women are supposed to be equal in our world. So, seriously, if Matthew McConaughey's deep desire to never wear a shirt just makes you shake your head and roll your eyes -- that's the exact same reaction you should be having towards Kim Kardashian's exact same behavior. And if you're one of the people who cheers when he does it, well, get off Kim Kardashian's ass already. 

Now, I'd be really nice if the story ended here. If Miley Cyrus just made us all feel like assholes who hate each other and who are so caught up in making other women feel bad about themselves that they needed Hannah Montana to teach us all a lesson. But sadly, she not equipped for that. I mean, she's not Lizzie McGuire. 

The second half of Miley's story is how she decided, almost in the same space of thoughts as her Instagram post, that it was a good idea to post old photos of Jodie Sweetin clearly inebriated and grinding on a guy. Jodie Sweetin who is now sober and up front about her struggles with drugs and alcohol. Jodie Sweetin who is trying to help others with her candor. And Jodie Sweetin who is having success again, through Fuller House and now Dancing with the Stars. 

So, Miley. Let's talk, girl. You said some really good things in your Instagram post. Throwing shade and slut shaming are totally tacky, you're right. Putting cuntiness aside and celebrating each other is something we really need to focus on. And women who are in the limelight might consider spending their time uniting to help other women instead of fucking acting like little bitches, clawing at each other's faces. So, Miley, what the fuck happened? Why'd you defend one woman and then cut down another? What the fuck is up with that? I dunno. Maybe it's cause Kim K is more famous. Maybe it's cause Kanye is Kanye and you want him to like you. Maybe there's some secret beef you and Stephanie Tanner have that the rest of us aren't privy to. You should know though, when your left hand is bitch-slapping womankind for adolescent behavior at the same time your right is acting like a Heather, you're gonna seem like a hypocritical bitch. And you're not going to do a wonderful job at making your point, either.  

It's too bad, too. You made a good one. We need to stop judging each other harder than we judge men. If we're gonna get pissed when men hold us to a different set of standards, we can't fucking do it ourselves. And we need to just fucking stop being dicks to each other. That's honestly not helping anyone. And how much more badassy would we all be if we supported each other instead of tearing each other down all the time? 

You got some good thoughts in your head, Miley. Maaaaaaaybe apply them to yourself.