Year Forty and One

So, I've been forty-one for a couple of months now and I would've thought that I'd hate it. And don't get me wrong, I don't love the number, but now that I'm realizing how much of my response to that number comes from what men have told me (men who have decided that they're still sexually spry at the age of 80), I'm a little like "fuck you, whatever".

Basically, me at 41 is pretty unapologetic about who I am.

And that has honestly changed my entire life.

Sure, I'm still married and pretty much all the vital stats are the same but the growth I've had in the past year has been monumental.

Because of health issues, I've spent three-fourths of the past year living with both my new husband and my mom. At different points I've wanted to strangle them both (not really) and I have it on pretty good authority that the feeling is mutual.

But the things I've come to understand have been eye-opening. Things about myself, things about my loved ones, things about the world.

I'd feel, almost, like a whole new person if the woman I am now didn't feel so familiar in so very many ways.

I'll tell you one thing, I like her. I like her a lot.

She speaks her mind. And she's working on not caring about what other people think.

She puts actions to her words. And she tries to really accomplish the goals she's set for herself, not just play at it.

She finds the idea of the unknown more exciting now instead of totally scary. And she's pretty fucking psyched about what the future holds for her.

But enough of the third person.

There are pieces of my life that fit now in a way that they've never fit before. Some of that has to do with me and some of it just has to do with timing and the universe.

I guess in year forty and one I'm realizing that nothing comes before it's due. And some lessons just aren't ready for us to learn from them until the exact right moment in time.

And most importantly, we have to really stand behind what we say. We can't make exceptions about what we believe just because our feelings are hurt. And we have to try and use compassion whenever we can, especially with those we love. Because love, understanding and forgiveness are the greatest gifts we as humans have to give.

And life is truly better for everyone when these things are incorporated into our daily lives.

I'm expecting this next year to bring me more knowledge and growth than the last and I'm kind of hoping that it's like this for a while. I have a hunch it may be. This older and wiser duo they've been advertising is pretty rad. They should add badass to it, though. Cause I'm definitely more of a badass at age 41 than I ever have been before.

I think, maybe, the world just wasn't ready for this me yet.

The Win is in The Fight

I am an artist, first and foremost. I have known since the beginning of my memories that I was born to write. That has always been my identity. That has always been how I've seen myself.

I glory in that. I wear it like a badge of honor. I have a gift. A real gift. I sit. I put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and words just seem to appear. I see myself go through the entire process but in some very real ways, it feels magical. I don't map things out. I don't make writing a science. I don't sketch before I draw my words.

I have no qualms with those who do. It's just not me.

I love my gift. I cherish it. It makes me proud.

But there are conditions to the type of gift I have.

I know, deep down in my soul, that it is my duty to live the life of an artist. It is in the very fibers of my being that I use my voice and my art to try and make the world a better place.

I like writing fiction a lot. I like writing everything a lot, to be honest. But more so than that, it is my privilege to turn letters into text into ideas. It is my honor to help speak the important thoughts and beliefs that will hold our planet and its people together.

My soul signed a contract before I was given this gift and I feel that pact in the way I move, the way I think, the way I love. My voice will never be silenced. I have made sure that is impossible. And my voice will be used to promote freedom, equality and love.