Year Forty and One

So, I've been forty-one for a couple of months now and I would've thought that I'd hate it. And don't get me wrong, I don't love the number, but now that I'm realizing how much of my response to that number comes from what men have told me (men who have decided that they're still sexually spry at the age of 80), I'm a little like "fuck you, whatever".

Basically, me at 41 is pretty unapologetic about who I am.

And that has honestly changed my entire life.

Sure, I'm still married and pretty much all the vital stats are the same but the growth I've had in the past year has been monumental.

Because of health issues, I've spent three-fourths of the past year living with both my new husband and my mom. At different points I've wanted to strangle them both (not really) and I have it on pretty good authority that the feeling is mutual.

But the things I've come to understand have been eye-opening. Things about myself, things about my loved ones, things about the world.

I'd feel, almost, like a whole new person if the woman I am now didn't feel so familiar in so very many ways.

I'll tell you one thing, I like her. I like her a lot.

She speaks her mind. And she's working on not caring about what other people think.

She puts actions to her words. And she tries to really accomplish the goals she's set for herself, not just play at it.

She finds the idea of the unknown more exciting now instead of totally scary. And she's pretty fucking psyched about what the future holds for her.

But enough of the third person.

There are pieces of my life that fit now in a way that they've never fit before. Some of that has to do with me and some of it just has to do with timing and the universe.

I guess in year forty and one I'm realizing that nothing comes before it's due. And some lessons just aren't ready for us to learn from them until the exact right moment in time.

And most importantly, we have to really stand behind what we say. We can't make exceptions about what we believe just because our feelings are hurt. And we have to try and use compassion whenever we can, especially with those we love. Because love, understanding and forgiveness are the greatest gifts we as humans have to give.

And life is truly better for everyone when these things are incorporated into our daily lives.

I'm expecting this next year to bring me more knowledge and growth than the last and I'm kind of hoping that it's like this for a while. I have a hunch it may be. This older and wiser duo they've been advertising is pretty rad. They should add badass to it, though. Cause I'm definitely more of a badass at age 41 than I ever have been before.

I think, maybe, the world just wasn't ready for this me yet.

Gray Gardens

Everyday I wake up in Donald Trump's America and prepare myself for the news. It takes all of my courage and backbone to move forward through my anxiety and depression and face the day. Being on the West Coast means that by the time I get up, our President has already done two, maybe three, heartbreaking and horrifying things.

I feel like I've got my own armor now. I put it on as soon as my foot hits the floor of the bedroom and I don't take it off until I'm back in bed at night.

The world looks different now. Being outside, things have changed. Everything looks grayer. Things seem bleaker. The air is colder.

The reality of living this life is so much worse than the awful I thought it would be. As soon as the tide turns, everything becomes desolate. I don't have to wait to see the gestapo in order to feel them coming.

This is an America that I never thought I'd live in but I realize now that was naive. I realize now that I was seeing the world through my own blinders, my own white privilege. Of course we wound up here, how could we not? The freedom that I've so easily taken for granted hasn't ever been given out to all of our people. And our own hypocrisy is coming for us now.

It's still not fair though. Not all of us deserve this fate. There are people who have been standing up for themselves and for others for lifetimes and the air is just as polluted for them as it is for me.

There's a part of me that knows the happiness I felt just last year is something that I'll never get back again. You can't reach this stage and go back, ever. Once you see this version of the world, you never come clean. And knowing that I could've, I should've, done more in my lifetime is something that I'll never forget.

I look around and things that are supposed to be green are gray. Skies that are supposed to be sunny, are overcast. Clouds that are supposed to be light are dark. Our world has become a gray garden. The colors on our TVs are so much brighter now than the ones outside.

In order to see the best of humanity we find we have to keep staring at screens, desperate to find voices as vivid as our own and hearts that still know the brilliance and beauty of color.

Black Lives Matter

Women's Rights are Human Rights

Today, I am Muslim

Science is Real

No Human is Illegal

Love is Love

Brown Lives Matter

No H8

Kindness is Everything

#NoBanNoWall

Climate Change is not a Conspiracy

Let Freedom Ring

Give Peace a Chance

The Win is in The Fight

I am an artist, first and foremost. I have known since the beginning of my memories that I was born to write. That has always been my identity. That has always been how I've seen myself.

I glory in that. I wear it like a badge of honor. I have a gift. A real gift. I sit. I put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and words just seem to appear. I see myself go through the entire process but in some very real ways, it feels magical. I don't map things out. I don't make writing a science. I don't sketch before I draw my words.

I have no qualms with those who do. It's just not me.

I love my gift. I cherish it. It makes me proud.

But there are conditions to the type of gift I have.

I know, deep down in my soul, that it is my duty to live the life of an artist. It is in the very fibers of my being that I use my voice and my art to try and make the world a better place.

I like writing fiction a lot. I like writing everything a lot, to be honest. But more so than that, it is my privilege to turn letters into text into ideas. It is my honor to help speak the important thoughts and beliefs that will hold our planet and its people together.

My soul signed a contract before I was given this gift and I feel that pact in the way I move, the way I think, the way I love. My voice will never be silenced. I have made sure that is impossible. And my voice will be used to promote freedom, equality and love.

Questions

Normally, I like to think that I have all the answers. Although I certainly haven't fooled myself into thinking I'm an astronaut or rocket scientist, I do like to think that I know stuff. I do well at Jeopardy. My educated guesses are pretty right on. I tend to figure out who the killer is pretty early in movies or tv shows. And I pick up things fairly quickly, in general. Basically, I'm awesome. 

But, this isn't that kind of blog post. 

Cause there are just some things that I don't understand. 

Like, superficial judgement. Whether it has do to with your race or gender or physical appearance, whatever. I don't get superficial judgement. I don't understand how just by looking at me, you think you know me. Skinny and fat shaming fall into this category. Thinking people with tattoos are somehow less responsible would fit into this one too. I mean, I just mentioned that I think I'm smart and yet I can promise you that those things don't help me determine what you're like. How the fuck do I know what you're like until I actually talk to you?

And another one. Religion. Judging people on their religion, I just don't understand. I mean, fuck off. If you know anything about the major religions we've got going on, you know that they're pretty similar in the things they preach. Sure, the stories they use are different but the morals tend to be very close to one another. So, why aren't religious people just happy that there are other religious people out there? Why aren't they happy that so many other people share their thoughts on how to live their life while they're here? Why isn't being a person of faith something that draws those people together instead of dividing them so significantly so often? 

And along those same lines, why is it that people are so intent on mixing religion and government? The same people that are constantly talking about how the second amendment is woven in gold and shouldn't have any limits of any kind have no problem disregarding freedom of religion and separation of church and state. How can you claim that one amendment is more important than another like that? And if you start reminding me that there isn't much ahead of the right to bear arms in the constitution, I'll remind you that freedom of religion is one of those that is. So given that, why does anyone think it's okay to force their religion on anyone else? I don't care how good you think yours is, faith and religion are very personal things and to tell anyone that you should be in charge of how they show their faith and choose to worship is criminal and a personal violation. 

Nextly (Yes, I know that's not a word, so what), why is it so fucking hard for some people to put themselves in someone else's shoes? Do we really need to have experienced something in order to be able to determine whether something is shitty or not? How is it that so many people can willfully ignore real problems and issues just because it isn't affecting them directly? How does it not cause them actual pain to see others in pain? How is this not a thing that everyone deals with? 

Also, why is it the initial reaction of so many to blame the victim? Is the idea of a broken system or fallen hero so horrifying to you that you would chose to stick your head in the sand, or worse, blame the injured party just in order to sleep better at night? And why isn't blaming the victim keeping you awake? Why does ignoring a real problem put some at ease instead of fighting for what's right? I understand that ignorance is bliss but what about an outright refusal to admit what you have to know deep down? Is that bliss as well? 

And are there really that many people out there that actually think that their race is a superior race? Cause sometimes it really seems like there are still a lot of people out there like that. Is that just a magnification of the terrible the way that tends to happen with the media or is that still a significant percentage of people? And for those people who truly believe this, how is that even possible? How can anyone actually think that one race is better than another? How can pigmentation mean so fucking much? 

And to that same end, are there also really people out there that think one gender is better than another? Do some feminists really believe women are better than men? Do other people really think that the majority of feminists have this warped view? Do some men really believe that they deserve to earn more for the same level of work? And are there really both men and women who think that the man should be the head of the household and the woman be subservient? And I don't mean just having traditional roles, I mean actually thinking that the man is the boss of the woman, as if husband replaces father and woman stays a child. 

Here's another: do most people really believe that their country is better than every other country and the people in it? Do most Americans really believe that they're better than other people from other places? And not your standard, respectful patriotism but the actual belief that being American means being better? And is the state of our country today not giving you pause in this belief system?

Question: are there really people out there that think that we can make life better for anyone through hate? Are there really people who don't view hate as a disease that needs to be eradicated? Are there really people left in this world who don't realize that hate destroys the soul, poisons the heart and decays the brain?

And with that same thought in mind, how does hurting other people not make some people feel terrible inside? How does causing pain in others not make some people wither inside? How can you cause tears in another and not feel a part of you die inside? And how does it seem like some people thrive on this feeling? How can it be that some people get energy from the destruction they cause in others? I was a dick to a guy in the drive-thru of an Arby's in Los Angeles about five to seven years ago and I still haven't been able to let it go. I was wrong and I was a dick and my friend told me so and I still feel bad. How is it that there are some people who don't work this way? 

And finally, how is it that for some people a stranger's own personal experiences and life choices are so deeply offensive? This one really fucks me up -- I just don't get it. I just don't understand. And if there's someone out there that this is true for, please, I beg you -- educate me. How is someone else's life experience -- someone that you don't know, someone who has no bearing on your life -- how do their actions and how does their life, in general, become so violently offensive to you? Why do you feel it's your place to watch them, judge them and then attempt to eviscerate them from afar just because you disagree with the way they classify themselves or the way feel they have to live their life in order to be true to themselves? And you know exactly what I'm talking about here, not serial killing, not theft or torture -- but choosing to become a more whole person, from their own perspective. How do you feel it's your place to take a very real and very painful situation and try to crush the person struggling with their own identity?

So these are just some of the questions I have. These are some of the things I've been struggling with, both lately and for a lot of my life. And sometimes it just gets tiring to try and try and try to come up with answers when it seems like so many people don't have any desire to actually come up with solutions. So, instead I wanted to share my questions and struggles with you, knowing that there are other people out there that have the same things going around in their minds. Maybe together we can work some things out.

Love, Community and Pride

This blog post of mine is going to be a little different. I'm not going to get political or smart-mouthed or probably even be funny. Hopefully, I won't offend anyone because, in my opinion, there won't be anything here that is even remotely offensive. It's all about love.

An open letter to all of my friends and loved ones in the LGBTQ community, one week after Orlando. 

Dear Friends,

I'm sorry. 

I'm so sorry this has happened. 

I'm so sorry that there are still people in existence who think that the love you feel should be a target for hate. 

I'm sorry we continue to fail to take steps that would help prevent atrocities like this from happening. 

But even more than telling you how sorry I am, what I'd really like to say is...I'm with you. As much as I can be, I'm with you. I'm your sister, your friend and your cheerleader. 

No part of who you are is anything to be ashamed of. No piece of your soul isn't deserving of love. No part of your identity isn't worthy of acceptance. And however you feel most like yourself is the way it was intended. 

I'm sure there are a lot of you out there that already know these things but I want you to know that I know it too. And anyone in the LGBTQ community who might be feeling like these things aren't as obvious to them, I want them to see the words for themselves. To hear another voice tell them that they're exactly who they're supposed to be. 

Be proud of who you are. Because you are amazing.

You're brave.

You're warriors.

You're courageous.

You're valued.

You're valuable.

You're real.

You're truth.

You're love.

I want the world to be safe for you. I want you to be able to log onto social media without having people debating your bathroom choices. I want you to be seen for you, not your gender or your sexuality. I want people to realize that you're just like everyone else...in the way that none of us are alike and we're all the same. 

I want you to be able to be the snowflake that you are. The snowflake that the rest of us are allowed to be. 

I want you to know that if there's a God, God loves you. 

I want you to know that this world would be worse off if you didn't exist and that you add an incredible amount to our collective existence, as individuals and as a community.

I want you to know that I love you. I want you to know that I'm proud of you and I want you to know that I'm proud to call you family. 

During this time in the wake of Orlando and during what should be a joyous Pride, I hope that you can still celebrate the way you deserve to. You've helped our world become a more accepting place and I realize that there's still work to be done and progress to be made but each and every one of you has made a difference in the lives of every man, woman and child in this country. And for the better, whether they're loving enough to be able to see that for themselves. 

Thank you all for being a part of my life. I love you. I cherish you. And I stand with you always.

With the sincerest love and gratitude,

Monica

God Doesn't Make Mistakes

I'd like to talk for just a minute to my religious and faithful brethren out there. No matter who you pray to or what God you worship -- I'm not trying to single any faith out here. 

There's a statement, an idea, that I've heard all of my life and I'm hearing it being thrown around a lot right now. Most of you can guess the topic which brings out this statement but I'm making a point to not even address the statement in a particular context. I'd just like to talk about the statement itself. 

First off, I'd like to just say that although I'm no longer religious, I don't have a problem with the concept of this statement, just for anyone thinking that I'm looking to pick apart a common religious sentiment just for the hell of it. 

This is not what's going on. This is just my half of a discussion that I'd really like to be a part of. And the discussion involves this statement right here:

GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES.

Now, most of the time when people use this -- or at least when they shout it boldly from behind their computer screens -- it's to talk about how something we humans are doing to mess with God's plan. And that's the use of the statement that I'd like to address here. 

I would like to quickly preface here that for the sake of this discussion, I'm asking that we all just jump on board with the concept of God. Afterwards, feel free to believe what you like God-wise. We all got that sweet, sweet free will (from God, if that's what you believe) to make our own choices about our lives and I'm not looking to change any of that.

So, anyway. People, let's talk about God not making mistakes. 

The thing is, you're right. God is God. If God is the all-powerful being we believe God is, God does not make mistakes. God has a plan. God doesn't just "wing it". And if God does, the winging goes well. God is God. 

So, here's my two cents:

How dare you question God's plan? How dare you, a mere mortal, decide what is part of God's plan and what isn't? Who are you to decide what God has intended for us? How are you, human, able to so decipher the complexities of God?

Is it instinct you're using? A hunch you have that something you're witnessing doesn't seem "kosher" to you? What exactly are you using as your basis for telling people that GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES? 

Because you're no more special than the rest of us. You have no finer link to God than everyone else. God made sure we all had the direct dial line. And it's pretty incredible that you feel that you have better knowledge and vision as to what God has set in motion for us.

And that -- that arrogance that you possess that makes you think that you have the ability and the right to pick apart and judge God and God's plan -- is a sin. And it's a big one. You haven't refused to go to bed when your parents tell you or decided to watch the game instead of paying a visit to God's house, you're questioning God. 

Because, you know what? And this is for real. I mean, really for really real. Please take this next sentiment very seriously. You have no evidence that anything that is happening -- at any time -- is not part of God's plan. In fact, God is pretty fucking powerful, so the idea that someone could actually come along and interfere with God's plan is a little fucking silly if you're a true Believer. 

So, I guess the question for you is: Are you a true Believer? Are you truly among God's faithful? Because each and every time you question God like this, you're essentially saying "you fucked up, God. This shouldn't be happening. Man is more powerful than you and can change your will whenever he or she likes." Is that what you're saying? Is that what you're trying to tell God?

You are all right, GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES. That's an impossibility for a Believer. So whatever you're questioning, whatever it is that seems so ungodly to you, understand that it's your lack of faith in God's plan leading you to these statements. Instead ask yourself:

What's God trying to teach me?

What's God trying to show me?

How is God making this an opportunity for me to show my strength and love in God's plan and for all of God's children?

Because the thing is, God doesn't make mistakes. God always knows. God is everywhere, in everyone and in everything. God offers us the chance to grow in every situation we're in: in love, in compassion and in understanding. 

As human beings and Believers, we need to stop questioning God. We need to stop pretending that we can ever possibly understand God. If we believe that God is real (and at least for the sake of this blog that's what we're doing) and that God is where we all come from, how could we possibly wrap our heads around everything that God is? It's just insulting to God to even imply that's possible. 

And no true Believer is ever looking to insult God. 

So, please, if you're a true Believer I ask that you stop using the statement GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES to tell other's that what they're doing is ungodly. Because, quite frankly, you have no idea. And maybe it's time we repurpose this phrase and use it at face value and the next time you witness someone passing this kind of judgement onto another person, you can quietly tell them "listen, man. God doesn't make mistakes. This is all part of The Plan."

Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady

I'll be honest, there's a lot about being married that doesn't feel any different Yet, at least. I don't know how things are going to feel in a year, 10 years, 50 years but so far most everything is pretty much the same. 

Maybe it because my husband and I were living together before we got married. Maybe it's because we're not planning on doing the kids thing so this isn't the first step in a series of monumental changes to our life. Maybe it's because we're both almost 40 and so we both either already feel like grownups or have already come to terms with the fact that nothing is going to make us feel like grownups. 

Maybe though, it's cause I've already felt married. 

I mean, don't get me wrong, this legal thing is a HUGE deal. Despite the fact that we got married in Vegas, we knew perfectly well what we were doing. I know that this, as far as the legal system is concerned, is a binding contract. I know that there really aren't too many decisions bigger than this one. 

I know that signing my name is going to be a bitch for a while. 

But, I also know that even before November 21, my husband had me for life. I've thought a lot about that notion that there's always someone in a relationship that loves the other person more. Truthfully, I've been afraid of that concept for much of my life -- being afraid to be on either end of that spectrum. I felt, though, that logically it made sense. You can't actually love someone the exact same amount that they love you. Impossible!

And now? I realize that it's not like a measuring cup of love. It's not like there's a scale somewhere that can calculate the tiniest difference in the weight of one's love. I realize that things don't work that way. I realize now that there are some couples that are in a race to love each other the most. I realize that some people support each other, love each other and comfort each other so intrinsically that measuring love seems silly and petty and truly unnecessary. I realize now that it's truly possible to be so secure in your partner that you can't imagine measuring your love or his(hers). That when you think about this whole idea, you can't imagine anyone loving someone any more than you love him(her) and then you think about the love he(she) gives to you every single day and you realize that you are literally loved just as much as you love. 

Marriage isn't much different for me yet. That's true. But I still have those moments when I just stop and look around -- when I see men's shoes at the door or get a good look into the master bedroom closets or just glance to my left and see my husband sitting on the cou

ch -- and the 12 year old girl inside of me just giggles and thinks gleefully, "I'm married!! I've got a husband! Holy shit!" And yes, my 12 year old self would've totally said holy shit, just ask my matron of honor. 

I'm pretty psyched about this whole marriage thing. I know it's not going to all be easy but last time I checked nothing about life was. I do have a feeling though that life is going to be a little bit easier with my husband at my side. It's amazing how little I'm afraid of now, not because I think bad stuff can't happen but because I found the person who considers it an honor to battle all of the monsters with me -- someone that I would slay any dragon for. And not only am I not as scared but I'm more brave and powerful than I could've ever imagined. Failure isn't so scary when the existence of the person next to you makes you realize you're always a winner.

Down with Hate

So, about a week and a half ago I clicked on an article that was brought to you by Cafe Mom's The Stir. It was my fault for clicking the link. Normally I'm not a sucker for articles like this "90s Heartthrobs Who Look Awful Now" but the picture attached was one that I couldn't place and I guess I was just dying to know who the person in the pic was. 

The joke was on me, though, because I never made it to said person's picture. I never made it past the first. Why? Well, the first picture was of Brad Renfro. Now anyone who knows who that is probably is wondering where exactly The Stir got their hands on a "now" photo given that Brad Renfro has been dead since 2008. Now, don't worry, The Stir didn't stoop to the disgusting low of showing a photo of the corpse of the late actor. Instead, they stooped to the low of showing a picture of Renfro near the end of his life, talking about his state at the time and the referencing his suicide. 

To this I say, WHAT IN THE SERIOUS FUCK THE STIR?!?!?!

Are you shitting me?

Are you really for real right now? 

Did you seriously fucking include a person who committed suicide over five years ago in a "people who look awful now" article?!?!?!

When exactly did all human decency leave the offices at The Stir?!

Who in the fucking hell thinks that this is even a little okay?

Well, Michele Martin is who. The "journalist" who authored this stunning masterpiece. The person who totally thought, "hey, there's nothing wrong with disrespecting someone's memory in this way." The person who thought, "there's no way anyone reading this will be even remotely offended by the utter lack of compassion and simple human decency it takes to know that you DO NOT fucking mock someone that is no longer with us and that had a pain in his or her life that made them reconsider their existence." Michele Martin and anyone up the chain of command that saw and approved of this piece of drivel. 

And a week and a half ago when I read this, I just couldn't keep quiet. Much like I'm not keeping quiet right now. I sent The Stir a complaint. I felt like, for me, it was time to speak up about the things that just didn't seem right to me. Right now, in this country, we are having some real trouble accepting each other. There's a lot of anger and a lot of hate going on right now and even the steps we're taking that move us towards a country of acceptance are causing some real backlash. 

And at a time like this, we need more than ever to realize that picking at each other, belittling each other, tearing each other down -- no one wins there. No one. Why are we even "writing" articles that basically just list people that we're not attracted to? What the fuck is that? We see it all the time: actors with ugly spouses; celebrities that are hideous without makeup; hot A listers that started out homely; 

Seriously, what are we doing to each other? Why has hurting each other become a go-to? It seems like every industry, every company, every organization and so many individuals are making hurting each other a national pastime. 

So, in an attempt to not stay quiet while watching something tragic and hateful was happening in front of me, I sent The Stir that complaint message. I was told, via computer-generated message, that Cafe Mom would be getting back to me in two days. Cafe Mom let me know that if it was a weekend or holiday, it might take longer. I was told to check my junk folder and spam settings. 

I did that. 

I'm still waiting for my reply.

So, instead of doing what I'm assuming The Stir would like me to do and forget about the thing that bothered me so much, I sent them another message. I reminded them of who I was. I let them know when I had written and told them of my pessimistic suspicions that their hope was for me to just forget. And I told them I wouldn't. I told them that I expected a response. I told them that my complaint was real and I wouldn't sit idly by and let them add to the pollution that's plaguing our country. 

And now I'm waiting again. 

We'll see what happens but until the day I either get my response or I decide it's time to send message number three, I've decided that I'm going to fight for us. Fight for us as people. Fight for a life where being yourself doesn't end in an insult. The only thing in life that really matters is how we treat each other. All of our accomplishments, all of our money, all of our possessions and degrees and status symbols, all of our power...it all means nothing if we didn't treat each other with respect. It's not necessary to always agree, it's not a must that we all be alike, and it's not life or death if the things we believe differ. But it's time to really understand that hurting and disrespecting each other is not a constitutional right. And being the person that exists to tear someone else down is only a sign of weakness and fundamental unhappiness with yourself. 

It's time we take back our own lives. It's time we stop letting others get away with this kind of abuse. The courts decided a long time ago that abuse came in multiple forms and it's pretty plainly obvious that we're seeing an insane increase in the amount of abuse and hate we spew at each other. Whether it words out of our mouth, or words on an internet page, that's abuse and that's hate and it's time for that to be unacceptable. 

It's time for someone's hair length or skin color or nationality or muscle tone or gender or who they love or degree of masculinity or femininity or what the fuck ever to only matter to the person it pertains to. 

It's time for a person's opinion to be just that, an opinion. Not a reason to scream obscenities or hate speech or throw a punch or worse. 

There's seriously nothing to be proud of in shaming each other. 

The Stir is my first step in trying to do what I can to speak out against hate. Hate solves nothing. Hate is nothing but a destroyer and if you think it destroys the target of your hate, you're wrong. Hate only destroys the hater.