Life

Life almost never goes your way. There are people that will tell you that's not true and those people are either naive, stupid or use the word "blessed" too often. Now there isn't anything wrong with people who focus on the positives in life, other than we all want to strangle them most of the time. But for those people who understand that life can be an uphill struggle from start to finish but still be totally worth it and rewarding know differently. 

I don't like to talk too personally about people other than myself on here so just for the sake of this blog, let's just say that some really shitty stuff has happened lately with my family. When something like this happens, something that is polarizing even for a short period of time and will possibly change your life going forward, what do we do to make sure that we don't lose ourselves through the course of events and fallout? How do we not get buried under all of the details and how do we learn to take care of ourselves when we're devoting most of our time and attention to other, necessary, things? 

I pretty much have no answers. Some moments, I feel like I'm lucky to have even thought of the questions. 

I've mentioned before that I struggle with anxiety and depression, so too often my instinct is to hide inside of myself whenever possible. I become a pro at handling information-based communication but breakdown almost entirely if things get too personal, losing the ability to speak frankly about my thoughts and feelings. I find that in order to properly handle all of the important things that need to get done, I have to sacrifice other areas that take too much of my energy. 

I don't know if this is the right thing to do, I just know it's what I need to do in order to get done what needs to get done. My husband says I'm handling things well. He calls me the strongest person he knows (because he's wonderful) but it definitely doesn't feel like it. I'm freaked out most of the time and am only starting to realize that every single day, I feel like a life amateur. 

There's been no stage that I've been prepared for, life-wise. I didn't know what I was doing at all when I was a kid. Being a kid is like running in brand new dress shoes, across freshly Zambonied ice on legs made of those peel-apart Twizzlers. You will literally never be stable or understand a goddamn thing that is happening to you and hopefully you'll laugh and scream and have fun through most of it.  And honestly, not too much has changed for me since. Each stage of my life has been a surprise and almost nothing like I expected. High School was both exactly like and fucking light years away from a John Hughes movie. I was a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a criminal and a princess but I'll tell you that I never once sat in detention gabbing and learning from my peers all day while we played music and danced and snuck around the school only to be indelibly bonded to them for life. That never ever happened. College, for me, was ridiculously more vast and life-changing than I ever thought it would be -- and I went in thinking it was gonna be huge. My twenties were seriously like almost the exact opposite of how I imagined them. Nothing I did felt at all sure-footed and literally no part ended up with any permanence in the long hall, save for getting my dogs and making some truly amazing friends. And my thirties, honest-to-God, ranged from "what the fuck, are you kidding me?" to "how in the fucking hell did I get here?" And that's on both the good and bad side of things. 

I'm starting to think that the moment you really grow up is when you stop trying to convince everyone that you know what you're doing. Not at work, we all have to fake it there, but in general. When we can actually say out loud that all we're doing in trying our best but are really only guessing at the right things to do -- that's when we earn the term "adult". It's not about understanding anything better or achieving some sort of experiential status. It's just about being honest with ourselves, first and foremost, and then with everyone else about the fact that -- for the most part -- we don't know fuck all about like 95% of everything. And most of that 5% that we do know are like Beatles lyrics, Friends quotes and where the best donut place is near our home.

Some days, I do wish I knew a little bit more about what I was doing. Okay, every day I wish I knew more. The lack of confidence during tough times can get scary, especially when people are counting on you. Right now, I'm finding that panic attacks are a part of my daily life but I'm also finding that I get through them every single day. I'm leaving the house knowing full well that I'll probably have to deal with one sooner rather than later and in my parked car instead of in the safety of my home, where no one can see me. But you know what? I'm still leaving the house. I'm still doing what I need to do. I'm still hanlding my shit like a semi-pro (life amateur status still intact) and I'm still muscling through and staring in the face all of the things that make me twitch. 

So, maybe my husband is right. Maybe I am stronger than I think. Maybe it's not about how scared I am or how many days in a row I have a panic attack or how there are some moments that I feel like the smallest, tiniest speck of light in the world and that everything around me is working to snuff me out. Maybe it's just that I keep going. Maybe it's just that I close my eyes and gather my strength and do what needs to be done. I have my go-to's and my rituals and my panic attack evacuation procedures and maybe it's just that I use them everyday and I don't allow myself to give up at life. Maybe it's that I've learned to accept help from people who care about me and, for me, that's almost harder to do than anything. 

So, maybe I will be okay. Maybe I'll even be good. And maybe my dreams will still come true even though it feels like there's no room for them right now. Maybe I won't give up all over again, every single day, and I'll choose the only life for myself that I've ever understood. 

Cause I may not know what I'm doing but I do know that the world needs me. I do know that no one has exactly what I have to offer. And I guess strength, a lot of the time, is just being able to say that and really mean it.

Shame on the Shamers.

Okay, enough's enough. For real. I think the Internet it great. I really do. It has done so much to open up our world and allow us to see and experience things that we'd never have the opportunity to otherwise. We can connect with people across the country or across the planet. You can fall in love with someone you'd never even have the chance to meet. You can see what it really and truly means to live in another place. You can see how different people are from region to region and, more importantly, how similar we are. You can keep in touch with family far away wth the click of a mouse or the touch of a screen. And you can now even help people in your neighborhood or in a place you've never even heard of -- how cool is that?! 

You know what else you can do, though?

You can make someone else feel like complete and utter shit just for the fucking fun of it. 

Seriously. 

Let's talk for real right now.

What the hell, people?

Why has shaming become the new Internet pastime? Now, I realize that the Internet is not a bar. Everyone is on it. And certainly, like every middle school and high school across the planet, where 12 - 17 year olds go, so does fucking little bitch attitudes and an atmosphere ripe with hormones and bullying. But that's not who I'm talking to here. Because, for the most part, we were all little shits when we were that age. We all thought that we knew everything, were smarter than everyone and any teeny tiny difference we saw in the people around use we considered suspect. I'm talking to the full fledged adults that are supposed to be showing these teenage hemorrhoids how to behave instead of joining in on their inexcusable and horrifying behavior.

Whether it's fat shaming or slut shaming or any other kind of shaming that doesn't yet have its own catchy moniker (like skinny shaming cause that's a for real problem, too)-- it's seriously unacceptable and anyone that partakes in this kind of adolescent and pathetic behavior needs to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror and figure out what in the fuck is wrong with them.

How is it that so many of us never really mature beyond the high school level? Why is it that a very good portion of the population realizes as they age that this type of behavior is both a neon sign that its owners feel gravely lacking in some way and truly is, at its core, just fundamentally wrong while the rest of the world has decided that they can basically treat anyone however the fuck they want to? How is it that this kind of dichotomy exists?

What is it about certain people that makes them think that they are allowed to act any way that they please? Why do they feel that it's their job to judge others and proclaim their assessment for all to hear? How is it that these people think that their words of derision and condescension are a fucking public service? 

Facebook has become a hotbed for horrible shaming of all kinds. Last week, I actually read one woman write in a comment about the recent Lane Bryant commercial that both NBC and ABC refused to air due to decency laws that the female in the spot that was pictured breastfeeding was a whore. Seriously, she called a breastfeeding woman a whore. 

What in the ever-loving fuck is wrong with someone like that?

Let's just throw away the fact that, basically, at the beginning of "civilized" society men decided that a woman's body was only for their pleasure and arousal so that while they could trounce around without a shirt on whenever they pleased (as long as they weren't entering a food-selling establishment in which case you better have shoes on too) while we women had to cover up our breasts, particularly the old nipplage. Like I said, let's just throw that shit away. That part of the double standard isn't even going to enter into my argument here. If you're going to take exception to a woman who is showing more of her body than you're used to why pick on the woman using her breasts for the actual reason that they were created? She's fucking feeding a goddamn child. There is absolutely nothing sexual going on with what she's doing in the slightest and yet this Confucius-like pronouncer calls her the dirtiest word you can call a person. 

I'd like to turn this around on the woman who made the comment and say, if you see a woman breastfeeding her child and immediately find the best description to be one of a sexual and unseemly nature then, lady, you're the person that has something wrong with them. Honestly, that comment was deplorable. 

When Kim Kardashian posted her nude selfie, the Internet blew up with people calling her a slut. Fuck, I blogged about it. And when a Melbourne street artist showed support and painted a mural of said selfie, it was defaced with the word "slut" eight fucking hours later. 

Seriously, people. Do we not have more things that we can use to insult Kim Kardashian? She does nothing. She's the personification of mouth-breathing. Do we really need to call her a slut? We didn't call Ray J a slut and he was in that goddamn video wth her. Granted, we don't call Ray J much of anything anymore, but that's beside the point. 

And it's not just the women of the world who face shaming (not that that would make it okay). Just ask Wentworth Miller who recently spoke out against the fat shaming he faced after putting on weight in the wake of his depression. And kudos to him for coming forward and bravely talking about his struggles. I happen to know, because of working at a place he frequented in Los Angeles (which I won't give any more clues to for privacy reasons -- it's not juicy or exciting just a place most of us all go as humans) that he's a very quiet and private person. Some might say shy. And this man, who never treated me or any of my coworkers with anything other than respect and kindness, now feels the need to come forward and share a piece of himself that he probably isn't totally comfortable sharing just so that other people going through the same thing will hopefully feel a little bit better about themselves. And all just because The LAD Bible forgot what actual reporting was and got it confusing with bullying. Now, I will say that they (The LAD Bible) have since apologized with an open letter to Mr. Miller on their Facebook page and addressed the topic of mental health. Hopefully, we'll see in their future actions that they really mean the apology they published. I certainly hope so. But, let's face it, the damage is already done. Shaming never just affects one person. It affects all those who witness the shaming, as well. And as great as an apology is (and truly, apologizing takes guts) I urge anyone reading this to consider your actions first, not second. 

Now, I'm in no way saying that we shouldn't rally around wrongdoing or give our opinions about things in the public eye or things that affect us. It's the way we do it. It's the language we use and the vehemence behind our words. It's who we say it to. And it's WHY we say it. 

Are you asking your relative or friend to take more care with their health because you love them and want them to be with you as long as possible or are you yelling at a stranger on the street or posting a "funny" comic on the Internet, as one of my former co-workers recently did? Because those are two very different situations. The first is a show of concern for someone we have information about and have a real relationship with and the second is a fucking little prick thinking his piece of shit 20-year old ass is a wizen old man who has the right to judge others and make a joke out of something that millions of people struggle with. 

See the difference you Tokyo Drift-loving motherfucker? 

Enough is enough. It's time for shaming to be something that more than just mothers and teachers make sure the people around them aren't doing. It's time for those of us who know better to become united and vocal about the "adult" bullies who seem to have Peter Panned in the worst possible way. And it's time to stop treating people's feelings like weaknesses instead of the significant influence they actually are.

A Not-So-Modest Proposal

So, I've got a book. I know, shock of all shocks, a blogger wrote a book! Insert shocked emoji here. That's not actually a big surprise, though, as I have other unpublished books and unsold screenplays sitting in my closet. This one is special, though, because it's non-fiction. Anyway, I'm getting prepared to launch my book on Publishizer, which is basically Kickstarter for books. I am so super pumped about this whole process, no matter what happens in terms of raising money. Obviously, I want it to do well. Hell, nothing would make me happier than if I got a visit from the book publishing fairy with a sparkly wand in one hand and a contract in the other. But regardless, when the whole thing is over I'm going to have a much better idea of what my next step is and what people think of it in general. Having said all of that though, I'm also fucking freaked about it. The proposal you submit (provided you complete it at 100%, you technically don't have to) is super comprehensive. And I don't mind that at all. On the contrary, there's a chance to be put in touch with publishers through this process so certainly weed out the people not taking this shit seriously. But, it just makes it very real, ya know. I mean, this isn't something to half-ass. This isn't a term paper or some written final exam for your political science class that you can pretty much wait until the last minute to do and not ruin your life in the process. 

Some of the things have been pretty simple to accomplish. Book overview, check. Short author bio, check. Catchy slug line to draw people to my book, quippy check. Those were fun. I got to do some fun creative writing and let my sarcasm gene take a whack at things. Currently, I'm working on the book list of similar titles, which they should really just call what it is -- a minimum of five book reports. I've got my annotated Table of Contents underway, which is more a feat of endurance than anything else. And then I'm coming up with fun and creative rewards for people who are fucking rad enough to donate which is like getting to choose cool Christmas gifts for the kids in your family. The one that's turning out to be the real bitch of the ball, the real fucker of the farm, the real crapbag of the carousel, is the "About the Author" area, which is different from a bio in that it needs to be much longer and fucking sucks balls to write. 

I'll admit, like a lot of people, I don't hate talking about myself. Fuck, I have a blog, right? But telling the great fairy tale that is me is proving to be a bit of a pain in the everything. For instance, I know that my adolescence was very important in carving out the woman I am today but it's a very delicate and tricky ice dance weaving an interesting and multidimensional coming of age tale in white, Christian suburbia. How exactly do you describe the oppression of living in a town that's 4.5 square miles (of land and 2.5 of fresh Lake Erie water) and has, I shit you not, 6 churches? Does it sound weird? Cause it felt fucking weird. And they're all pretty run-of-the-mill Jesus fan clubs. I'm not judging the churches themselves, I just mean they're denominations we're all pretty familiar with: Catholic, Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist, Presbyterian, and something else I don't remember but can drive you to. And no, the handful of other families residing in our suburb that weren't Christian didn't have any places of worship within town limits to belong to. There wasn't a Mosque and a Synagogue and a Temple next to every church. Just a bake sale. 

Almost everyone in the town was white, too. A fun feature that, I imagine, felt very natural and comfortable to some people but to me just felt...gross and kinda icky. So, I spent the better part of what was really a pretty great childhood bitching at my parents for moving from where they grew up on the east side of Cleveland to the west and to a suburb known as "a great place to grow up": we had good schools (public and Catholic), good sports teams (we mainlined soccer and manufactured pro athletes) and we were safe (until the kidnapping and murder of one student and the fact that The Fugitive is based on real grizzly shit that happened in my town before I was born).

That was fun to read about, wasn't it? 

Exactly. 

So now I'm on something like my 15th draft -- this one surrounding a playlist that reminds me of my best friend, which essentially means it reminds me of why I'm me. I have a feeling this draft isn't going to last much longer, though either. As a matter of fact, I think I've just declared it dead.

Okay, enough stalling. Time to get back to it. This bastard ain't gonna write itself. And since I'm sure you guys are dying to know the title of my satirical masterpiece, it's:

"If You Were An Alien, Would You Want To Live Here? 101 Reasons Why Fearing An Alien Invasion is Absolutely Preposterous and 10 That Kinda Make Sense"

Boom.

Girl on Girl Crime

"Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don't we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families! #happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in.... Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!"

Miley Cyrus posted this caption on Instagram, attached to a picture of Kim Kardashian's Kimoji. And, I gotta say, I agree with her. Now don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that I think Kim Kardashian should be famous. I have yet to see a skill displayed in that lady. I mean, fuck talent, just show me something that she actually does besides let cameras follow her around and allow her name to be put on products that she didn't design, didn't create, didn't craft and didn't conceptualize. BUT, having said that, maybe let's not call her a whore. Maybe we shouldn't be calling any woman a whore or slut or whatever word we're using to shame them sexually. I understand that she gained fame for a sex tape. And no, I don't love that. But not because she's naked and fucking Ray J (badly, I might add). But because I don't see her using that platform as a bridge to showcase some skill or art or talent or brand new thought. Seriously, anything in that area. As far as I can tell, her only goal was to be famous. 

But, having said all of that, it's still not a good enough reason to call her a whore. I mean, call her inconsequential. Call her annoying. Call her a hack or talentless. But it's time we stop calling each other whores. After all, it's been 12 years since Tina Fey and Mean Girls told us that we "all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores. It just makes it ok for guys to call you sluts and whores." And she's right. We have GOT to stop the slut shaming. After all, if you slut shame women and you don't slut shame men, you're not a very good feminist, are you? Men and women are supposed to be equal in our world. So, seriously, if Matthew McConaughey's deep desire to never wear a shirt just makes you shake your head and roll your eyes -- that's the exact same reaction you should be having towards Kim Kardashian's exact same behavior. And if you're one of the people who cheers when he does it, well, get off Kim Kardashian's ass already. 

Now, I'd be really nice if the story ended here. If Miley Cyrus just made us all feel like assholes who hate each other and who are so caught up in making other women feel bad about themselves that they needed Hannah Montana to teach us all a lesson. But sadly, she not equipped for that. I mean, she's not Lizzie McGuire. 

The second half of Miley's story is how she decided, almost in the same space of thoughts as her Instagram post, that it was a good idea to post old photos of Jodie Sweetin clearly inebriated and grinding on a guy. Jodie Sweetin who is now sober and up front about her struggles with drugs and alcohol. Jodie Sweetin who is trying to help others with her candor. And Jodie Sweetin who is having success again, through Fuller House and now Dancing with the Stars. 

So, Miley. Let's talk, girl. You said some really good things in your Instagram post. Throwing shade and slut shaming are totally tacky, you're right. Putting cuntiness aside and celebrating each other is something we really need to focus on. And women who are in the limelight might consider spending their time uniting to help other women instead of fucking acting like little bitches, clawing at each other's faces. So, Miley, what the fuck happened? Why'd you defend one woman and then cut down another? What the fuck is up with that? I dunno. Maybe it's cause Kim K is more famous. Maybe it's cause Kanye is Kanye and you want him to like you. Maybe there's some secret beef you and Stephanie Tanner have that the rest of us aren't privy to. You should know though, when your left hand is bitch-slapping womankind for adolescent behavior at the same time your right is acting like a Heather, you're gonna seem like a hypocritical bitch. And you're not going to do a wonderful job at making your point, either.  

It's too bad, too. You made a good one. We need to stop judging each other harder than we judge men. If we're gonna get pissed when men hold us to a different set of standards, we can't fucking do it ourselves. And we need to just fucking stop being dicks to each other. That's honestly not helping anyone. And how much more badassy would we all be if we supported each other instead of tearing each other down all the time? 

You got some good thoughts in your head, Miley. Maaaaaaaybe apply them to yourself.

An Open Letter to America from an American

Dear The American People,

It's with much sadness that I write you this letter but I see no way around it. I agree that we've got an incredibly diverse country made up of multiple ethnicities, genders, creeds, sexual persuasions and onward but we seem to be having some troubles creating a home for such vastly different people. The way I see it, however, there really isn't so much about who we are as people that divides us and keeps us apart from one another and because of this, I'd like to put forth a new way of looking at the people who make up our forever evolving country. The grand makeup of this Union of ours doesn't, in fact, have us split up into dozens of smaller classifications of people: black, white, Hispanic, gay, Catholic, Muslim, trans, able-bodied, etc. Instead, we actually fit into two much broader classifications that, yes, we can then continue to examine until we find additional bonds that unite us and varying traits that make us multifaceted but I think people will find that these two classifications actually tell us much more about the people we're dealing with than any other way we label people in this country now. 

My thesis? Our country, the great United States of America, can be divided into two distinct categories: those people who want to be on the right side of history and those who belong on the wrong side. There are a great many people who affiliate themselves with the wrong side of history (although, admittedly, I imagine they wouldn't agree with my labeling system) that have been wailing on for years about our movement forward as a country under a regime of political correctness. And in the spirit in which these free speech patriots have forever been rallying, I'm going to take up their banner for a moment and opt for the unabashed bluntness of being politically incorrect:

If you believe one race, one gender, one sexual orientation or one religion is better than another...that makes you a racist or a sexist or a homophobe or a bigot. That isn't something up for debate. Those are just words with definitions like blonde or brunette or southpaw or dentist. Now, we've been going through a lot of debate in our country from the time of its inception about what kind of connotation these beliefs have, long before we even had those words to describe them. "Separate but equal" was a big motto we went with for a long time as was "don't ask don't tell" -- both ways for us to acknowledge our differences without having to deal with them or include them in our own group's reindeer games. I do, however, feel like we've reached a point in history when we have to be a little bit more blunt -- a little more abrupt and a little more, well, rude. And I'm confident that even though some people will not agree with my premise here, those people will still be able to admit that my political incorrectness in this instance is at least something that unites us in clarity. 

So, for all of those who identify with any of the labels I mentioned above (racist, sexist, homophobe, bigot) or any others that work to keep us apart instead of bring us together...the debate you've been forcing us to have for hundreds of years? Yeah, there IS NO DEBATE. A debate implies that there is the possibility of multiple outcomes or answers. A debate implies that these are opinions and the topics we're discussing have multiple sides and points of view, all of which deserve to be heard. THIS IS also NOT TRUE. It's time to take the kid gloves off and just tell it to you like it is, after all, you guys have been using this premise to discuss your views in open forum since the beginning of time. So, without further ado and explanation...to say that you're wrong is such an immensely minuscule way to phrase how motherfucking wrong you are about life that it begs me to reach through my computer screen and slap the dead soul out of your body. You're not just wrong about your take on life and how we're supposed to walk through it, you will be the absolute reason why we fail in this earthly endeavor that we're all a part of together.

And let me speak in words and sentences that will get YOUR attention instead of what the rest of the world, those of us on the right side of history, feels is the most important measuring tool. So, not your heart and not your soul. Because again, all in the sense of honesty, you people don't give a fucking fairy's ass about heart and soul. If you did, you wouldn't use your religion to damn people to hell (and there are people from EVERY RELIGION that do that even when their religions go expressly against this tenant). So, to get hip with your clan's jive, let me be honest with you about where you've gone wrong, in terms that will mean something to you. None of you people, not one of you, is anything but a goddamn IMBECILE. Seriously. Oh, you have a Ph.D.? I'm sure you do. Imbeciles can get PhDs. It says you have a Ph.D. in economics or genetics or philosophy (or whatever)? Fantastic and a hearty congratulations but you're still a fucking imbecile. And do you know why you're an imbecile? Because you, who have devoted your life to judging others (which is what it's called when you won't stop talking about how your group is better than everyone else's and you commit yourself to making sure these "others" don't get afforded the same opportunities that you do) have totally and completely missed the ENTIRE fucking point of life. 

And you know what that makes you? Fucking LOSERS. 

Regardless if anyone has found a complete and satisfying answer regarding the meaning of life (whether for themselves individually or for humanity as a whole), one thing that we can most definitely trust is TRUE is that dividing us against each other, refusing to work cooperatively and creating a planet and society where some people are rewarded with everything for nothing and others the entire opposite is NOT THE FUCKING POINT OF THIS WORLD. So, if that's your agenda --and let me be clear that if you believe you should be afforded more opportunities than other people that is, in fact, your fucking agenda -- then you have gotten the answer to the test question "what is the meaning of life" wrong. You had your blue book and your pencil, you came to your final exam on time, and fucking biffed it. You would've been better off just handing in a blank goddamn book than writing the drivel you believe on the pages inside. At least then, some people would've thought your forgot about the exam. Others might've thought you were taking a stand against testing policies. And some people might've even given you the benefit of the doubt and worried that you were in an accident on your way to the test. But by filling your entire blue book with words of pompous self-posturing, inflated ego-boosting that can only be compared to the mythical self-given blow job, and hate-filled words of ignorance that only go to show that you literally know NOTHING about the people you share this good Earth with, you have proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to all of us that you have fucking FAILED the LIFE exam. And that, sirs and madams, mean that you are goddamn LOSERS. 

Why, you ask? Why does this make you losers, if we don't even know who's grading the exam, if there's a curve or if the grades even count at all? For one simple reason. The world you are creating with your blind, stupid ignorance is a fucking cesspool. You are creating the Fire Swamp. And you may be the King or Queen ROUS but you're still a fucking rodent, regardless of your unusual size. So instead of creating a goddamn Shangri-La, where every inhabitant lives their best life possible, you've chosen to turn the goddamn gift that is LIFE into a fucking shithole mess. You've actually chosen to live in the Fire Swamp over Care-A-Lot. 

And the thing is, even an 8 year old knows that's fucking stupid. And when an eight year old knows you're a dumbass that means you're a LOSER. So, welcome to your reality, assholes. Finals are over and you didn't make it. Your consolation prize is living in the filth you've built while the rest of us prepare for Care-A-Lot. And even if we never see that grand place in our lifetime, just working on a project so beautiful and rewarding is a gift itself. Because I may never get to see the completed work but working on a goddamn Picasso with other artists is by far more meaningful then completing the landfill you're working on. 

In conclusion, I urge you to rethink the way you look at this country, seeing so many groups that keep us separate from each other and understand there are simply the two. Those in The Fire Swamp and those desperately trying to create Care-A-Lot. And it may seem like you're making more progress but that's only because you don't acknowledge anything outside of your Fire Swamp borders. But time will tell and so will history. And as you've so graciously pointed out on multiple occasions, the only way to have winners in this world is if there are losers, too. So, thank you. Thank you from all those on the right side of history. It is only because you're LOSERS that the rest of us get to be the winners we really are. 

Sincerely,

A Historical Winner and one of the proud Foremothers of Care-A-Lot. 

p.s. Please consider this letter notice of my official Care Bear stare. 

My People

I'd like to talk for a minute about people. Ah, yes. The old art of a person talking to people about the subject of people. That never happens. And it always goes so well.

As I've mentioned before in my blog, I recently got married. My husband and I got married in Las Vegas, near no one we know -- including us. We were incredibly lucky, however, because we still had almost 100 people join us for the wedding. 

I had lots of family there -- because my family is fucking awesome. I had lots of new family there as well because my husband's family also happens to be fucking awesome. I can pick 'em, boy. I also was lucky enough to have a bunch of friends from high school make the journey from Cleveland and considering I had my 20 year reunion last year, it's not like we're all still hanging out during the football games together. I had writing friends of mine fly in -- women I met online 15 years ago who changed my life in so many ways. And I had friends that I share with my husband make the journey for us, as well. 

Basically, yes, I am the queen of everything and have the best friends on the planet earth. Suck it, everyone else. But...

I'm not gonna be talking about any of these marvelous people, though. 

Now, you know, we did a lot of talking in 2015 about raising the minimum wage. Like, a lot of talking. I heard it on the streets (like you do). I saw it on the news. I read it in papers. And I was drenched in it on Facebook. I witnessed a lot of people say a lot of really shitty things about people who hold minimum wage jobs. A lot of people that I would have never expected to be so aggressively angry at minimum wage workers. A crazy amount of people who seem to think that minimum wage jobs are some kind of starter bullshit job that only 16 year old kids work. 

Ah, ignorance. Still alive and well in the 21st century. Alive and beyond well. Fuck, alive and running for president. 

The people I want to talk about here are the group of insanely wonderful people that I worked with for a couple of years, a couple of years ago. This fantastic group of individuals, all of us real live adults, worked at a movie theatre chain in Los Angeles. Educated individuals, hard working vets, people who truly know the definition of the words "work ethic" -- all started at minimum wage and worked for years for a place that gave the bare minimum in raises for even the best of employees. 

5 of them drove in from Los Angeles to join us. By far, the largest turnout from either of our varied work lives. They were ecstatic for me and excited to meet my husband. Dressed to the nines and ready to dance the night away. They were perfect. And honestly, such a highlight of the evening. And I had a good evening. 

These are some of the best, most wonderful people I've gotten the chance to know in my life (and I have no shortage of amazing people surrounding me). These are people that worked suicide shifts on a regular basis, that worked over 40 hours a week a lot of the time, and weren't offered even the most minimal of health insurance coverage. These are all adults who take their jobs seriously, whose goal may have been to move on to other things but are living in reality where that may take longer than you want or expect. And these are people that are not an anomaly. There are more of them. I know. I worked with others fitting this description. 

And these are the people that you're saying don't deserve a living wage.

These are fucking hard-working real people. Good people, caring people, kind people -- people who deserve to be able to do more than simply pay their rent each month and put gas in their cars. 

Every single month I worked at that movie theatre, I struggled. I struggled to pay rent, to buy food, to get medicine. I wasn't eating caviar and living in a loft. I was eating raman noodles and living in an efficiency in Koreatown. And the thing is...I wasn't unimportant. I ran the bar. I was trusted to do the inventory and the ordering. I created drinks and rewrote policy. And I struggled. I struggled living a normal life, living a life that others take for granted. I struggled with my health -- with long hours in a hot kitchen, on your feet all day, some days not having enough time to get home, get a full night's sleep and get back in the morning. 

Here's the bitter reality...what I just described? Straight up, this is the world we live in. You may want to live in a world where only teenagers and senior citizens looking to try something new during retirement work minimum wage jobs and if that's the case, you should start working on changing the world post haste. But right now, here in America, in the year of reality, we have a shit ton of businesses that won't even hire someone under the age of 18 for minimum wage positions (like the one we all had) and chances are, if you see a senior working one of these jobs it's not cause they have more time on their hands than they're used to -- it's because they fucking need the money to cover the ridiculous cost of prescription medication in this country. So for now, maybe rethink some things. Maybe consider that your one-sided view of minimum wage workers might not be that accurate. And, if you're able, have a little compassion for your fellow man, no matter what their station in life. Because if you feel like someone is beneath you, you're probably looking at things upside down.

Johnny Manziel, The Douchebag's Quarterback

Let me be specific about what my blog is going to be about because with a topic as wide as "Johnny Manziel", it could be anything. This blog is going to have absolutely nothing to do with his ability or inability to play the game of football. Because let's face it, if he doesn't give a fucking rat's ass about his game, why should I? 

What I'm going to be talking about is his fucking attitude problem. And by attitude problem what I really mean is his entire personality and every single bit of behavior he displays. Johnny Manziel and his "smell my own farts" view of himself is so typical and unimaginative that we should just expect this kind of shit from young players. 

We have spent decades in this country worshiping professional athletes. Doesn't matter the sport. Almost doesn't matter the gender. If you're even a little bit successful, you've got carte blanche on pretty much anything and everything. 

DUI? Well, who cares.

Beat your wife or girlfriend? Just this once. Or twice. 

Rape a few people? They were probably asking for it. 

Murder? Yup. That's okay too. 

You can do any fucking thing that you want. Feel free to have zero respect for your teammates, fans, loved ones and even yourself. Don't fucking give a shit about anything besides the money you rake in, how many Twitter followers you have and how many paparazzi stalk you. Get yourself a tv show, an endorsement deal, a merchandising gig and your own fragrance. Because everyone knows that professional athletes smell better than anyone. You're not an athlete, you're a fucking MOGUL, baby!

Johnny Manziel is so not the first of his kind. Fuck, he's not the first of his kind in Cleveland. He's not the first of his kind in Cleveland this very minute. And Cleveland is no different than the rest of the country. LA, NYC, big cities and small. No one is immune and things don't seem to be getting any better. I mean, at least athletes have a skill. Plenty of reality stars behave the same way and their only skill involves turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. 

And they probably wouldn't get that joke, either. 

Johnny Manziel wants to go to the Cowboys? Fucking awesome. Take him, Dallas. Please, make him your goddamn problem. We will literally take anyone in return. A player, a coach, the waterboy, Adam Sandler as The Waterboy, what-the fuck-ever you've got lying around. 

And if you don't want him, say so. Tell the press. Tweet about it. Post it on your Facebook page. Sing it from the top of the tallest building in Texas. Let's be vocal about how unbelievably unacceptable this behavior is. Let's send the message that you cannot be a complete fucking dickface just because you're a professional athlete. 

Maybe, just maybe, we can make sure that Johnny Manziel is the last of his kind. After all, we can't stop him from procreating. That's not legal. And let's face it, if it was, we should've started with Mark Wahlberg. At least Manziel's chances for impotence are probably higher because of all the sacks and shit, but the thing is -- we really can't rely on his black and blue balls alone. Let's see if we can't fix this fucking entitlement issue and force professional athletes to behave only as shitty as the rest of us do.