Grabbed by the Pussy, Again

As a woman, I have been grabbed in the pussy by an astonishing number of men and as every woman out there knows, it happens way too early to most of us. The first time I was literally (and I am using the word literally, literally) grabbed in the pussy by a "man" was when I was in the 7th grade. It was a fellow classmate and it was in the middle of the school day at my locker.

I hardly knew this guy. We had homeroom together and that was pretty much the extent of our relationship. We didn't get along. He would pick on me -- maybe not daily but definitely weekly and our homeroom teacher, although not a fan of his, didn't do anything to ever stop him. Generally speaking, I didn't sit quietly and just take his abuse. If he picked on me, in my 7th grade language, I let him know that his presence in my life was unnecessary and unwanted and that above all else, he was a dick.

One day, standing at my locker, I was bending over to put books and whatnot away while he was walking down the hall. As he came by, he reached his grubby hand between my legs and grabbed a hold of my 14 year old pussy.

To this day, I remember that moment clearly. I remember how disgusting it felt to have someone, uninvited, touch me there. I remember feeling used and dirty as soon as it happened, looking around to see if anyone at all had seen. My fucking 14 year old emotions couldn't process what had happened. Part of me wanted there to be someone else who witnessed it, to be enraged with me. But honestly, the bigger part of me felt ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to crawl into a hole and curl up. I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear.

The sick and sad thing is, that wasn't the first time a guy touched me inappropriately and without consent. And I know, as a woman, I'm not alone there at all. And the reason why this piece of shit kid felt like it was okay for him to do something like that is because of attitudes like our current President Elect's.

Men have, since the beginning of time, used a woman's body to berate her, shame her, stifle her, belittle her and own her. Not all men. This isn't a men-bashing piece but it is honest and these are just facts. Countries have excused it. People have ignored it. Women have accepted it. And religions have condoned and enforced it.

Now that this election is behind us, we stand a nation divided. Those who didn't vote for Trump are being urged to make nice but we've crossed a line that you can't uncross.

Almost exactly half of our voting nation chose the candidate that represents hate. Almost half of our country chose a candidate who bragged about sexual assault, who was openly and fiercely racist and who has proposed several courses of action straight out of World War II.

We have people who talked about Obama's birth certificate and denounced him as President for eight years calling us crybabies for being upset that we demanded an America that doesn't include police harassment of people of color and college rapists who serve little to no time and were denied by our family, friends and neighbors. We had people that we worship with cast a vote that chose their political agenda over American civil rights.

How is it we're supposed to move on from this?

How is it we're supposed to look at you the same way?

How is it we're supposed to trust you?

President Elect Trump is the least of our problems. Sure, putting the words "Commander in Chief" next to his name is tantamount to inciting war and alienating allies but the healing our country needs to do is between its citizens.

Half of us are either in the middle of reeling from just finding out that our rights as human beings literally mean less than nothing to the other half of the country or our belief that we've been discriminated against our entire lives has just been confirmed once again. And the other half is a fucked up combination of people who truly think that minorities of all kinds are in fact less worthy and people who don't seem to realize that there is no more important issue than civil rights and by choosing anything else, they've stabbed their fellow human in the back.

This is the world we live in now and to deny it is the equivalent of burying your head in the sand. You not only expect us to immediately move on but you demand it of us and deny your part in it. You do so in hypocritical tweets, revisionist history Facebook posts and memes and gifs that should embarrass you in the core of your soul rather than make you laugh.

You are sick. And not in the way you probably think I mean. Yes, your words and actions are putrid and vulgar but what I'm talking about is the way your mind works. You are deniers of fact. You refuse see to what is plainly in front of you. You look truth in the face and you call it a lie.

You call us liars.

And how can any good be done, how can any healing ever occur, how can any civilization grow when this basic, fundamental battle exists?

It can't.

It won't.

People are not stopping for a reason.

Protests are about a people refusing to be silenced. It's about people who have been shackled for too long, whose voices have been gagged their entire lives, and whose pussies have been grabbed too many times taking what's rightfully theirs.

Trust me, I'm truly sorry you have a problem with this. What I can't understand is why.

Understanding

You keep telling me to understand. To be quiet. To let it go.

You call me a crybaby, a whiner, a troublemaker, a child.

You say I'm a hypocrite. You say I'm spewing the hate I rally against. You call my pain a temper tantrum.

You tell me it's my job to unite us as you call me a loser.

Well, to you I say, if you want us to unite please make me understand. Please explain to me how any political issue you have is more important than human rights.

Please teach me how whatever it is that you deem so important is worth me or someone else sacrificing their basic human rights in exchange.

Please give me your take on how equal rights has varying definitions for varying groups of people. Please help me to understand why it's okay for you to move onto the specifics of designing your perfect "pursuit of happiness" while some of us are still struggling to get their rightful amount of "life" and "liberty".

There are some things you need to understand.

Whatever you say, however you treat me, no matter what you do -- I will always be your equal. You can never change that. That's not up to you to decide. The same rights that you were born with, I was too.

If you're allowed to live where you want, so am I.

If you're allowed to marry who you want, so am I.

If you're allowed to tell people they can't touch you, so can I.

If you're allowed to be comfortable in your own skin, so I am.

If the police aren't allowed to harass you for no valid reason, they aren't allowed to harass me either.

If you're allowed to walk down the street without being yelled at, poked at, shoved, sworn at, grabbed at or shot at -- so am I.

If you're allowed to apply for a job, so am I.

If you're allowed access to necessary medicine, so am I.

If you're not blamed when someone commits a crime against you, I shouldn't be either.

If you're allowed to practice whatever faith speaks to you, so can I.

If you're allowed to receive any and all life-saving procedures, so am I.

If you want to eat at a certain coffee shop, use a certain bakery or hire a certain photographer, I'm allowed to hire them too.

And if you and I are virtual carbon copies of each other in the workforce except for our sex organs or skin color or any other such quality and you're earning a certain amount of money, I better be making the fucking same amount of money for my same amount of hours, effort, brain power and loyalty.

These are areas we don't seem to agree on. You seem to think that these are areas up for debate. They aren't. You and I must share a planet. I'm okay with that. I'm even okay with us sharing a country, state or town. There's just one ground rule and as long as that rule is followed, our differences of opinion can be fairly easily worked with.

The rule?

You and I are equals. And we will be treated as such.

End of rule.

End of discussion.

End of patience.

The Win is in The Fight

I am an artist, first and foremost. I have known since the beginning of my memories that I was born to write. That has always been my identity. That has always been how I've seen myself.

I glory in that. I wear it like a badge of honor. I have a gift. A real gift. I sit. I put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and words just seem to appear. I see myself go through the entire process but in some very real ways, it feels magical. I don't map things out. I don't make writing a science. I don't sketch before I draw my words.

I have no qualms with those who do. It's just not me.

I love my gift. I cherish it. It makes me proud.

But there are conditions to the type of gift I have.

I know, deep down in my soul, that it is my duty to live the life of an artist. It is in the very fibers of my being that I use my voice and my art to try and make the world a better place.

I like writing fiction a lot. I like writing everything a lot, to be honest. But more so than that, it is my privilege to turn letters into text into ideas. It is my honor to help speak the important thoughts and beliefs that will hold our planet and its people together.

My soul signed a contract before I was given this gift and I feel that pact in the way I move, the way I think, the way I love. My voice will never be silenced. I have made sure that is impossible. And my voice will be used to promote freedom, equality and love.

IDGAF

Hey, Everybody! Welcome to my new blog...I Don't Give a Fuck. It's a blog where I tell you things...that I don't give a fuck about.

Come, let's take a journey together.

I don't give a fuck...if people who spent the last 8 YEARS talking about Obama's birth certificate are saying I'm acting like a child because I'm upset by the recent election results.

I, for real, very seriously do 👏🏻not 👏🏻give 👏🏻a 👏🏻fuck 👏🏻about 👏🏻this👏🏻.

And let's learn why, shall we?

Because if you're one of those people that fucking bitched for eight fucking years about this American man's birth certificate (and we all know why) and now, one day after the election, you start telling me that I'm whining if I'm upset by the election results...well...that makes you what is called a "hypocrite". AND I do not give a fuck about a hypocrite's opinion of me and my behavior.

Go ahead and talk until you're blue in the face. Call me a whiny child. Laugh at me and say it's because I called Trump a bully and now I'm being one too. Please feel free to go ahead and do all of that and do it with flourish and gusto, if you like.

And let's learn why, shall we?

Because if you don't know the difference between bullying people and crying out that once and for all you will not let people bully you and your fellow humans then I don't think that you're very smart. And if you're not smart enough to understand how someone who commits sexual assault (just picking one example, please feel free to swap out with any number of unacceptable issues) and then brags about it is different from someone saying they will never be okay with someone who commits sexual assault and brags as their President then I, for sure, don't trust your judgement on anything, let alone me. And if I don't think that you're smart enough to judge me then I don't give a fuck what you say about me.

And once and for all, let's learn why, shall we?

Because apparently, I'm too complex for you to understand. Apparently the concept of fundamental human rights is too fucking complex for you to understand. Apparently you think that whatever issue you have, whatever people you're afraid of, whatever part of the government you deem unsuitable, whatever glitch in the matrix you think needs fixing is more important than every human's basic civil rights. And if that's too complex for you, I don't have the capacity to dumb down my brain in order to communicate my people's thoughts and concepts to you.

And sweethearts, if I can't do that then I don't give a fuck to waste my time being upset over anything you say or any way you may criticize my words or actions.

Our Chance

The message of this blog is specifically written to any person who was at one time a kid like me. 

A kid who sat in social studies, learning about World War II and was shocked, dumbfounded, and horrified at the things she discovered that day. A kid who never thought that history could ever slap her in the face so hard. Mind you, like a lot of American text books, mine went into greater detail about The Holocaust than it did slavery or the slaughter of the Native Americans, so the face slapping didn't cease when the bombs were dropped. 

For any people out there that were like me in this way, I certainly hope that you're planning on voting for Hillary Clinton this November. 

Because in all honesty, to vote for anyone else -- whether it's Trump or someone who's vote would be tantamount to gifting Trump your vote (Stein, Johnson, writing in Bernie -- I'm looking at you here, Susan Sarandon) -- you would be answering "me" to the question that each one of us had when we learned about Hitler and World War II. 

Who could possibly let this happen?

You'd be answering "yes" to the question that baffled us all:

Can good people really allow a horror show like this take place?

You'd be answering "this is how" to the question that warped all our little minds:

How could people who aren't evil ever even consider following someone who so clearly is consumed with hate and violence?

Please, take me seriously when I say -- it is our time now. You can pretend that I'm exaggerating or being overly dramatic but do us all a favor and reconsider. We are Germany in the 30s. We are those people. We are the people saying "how bad could it really get". We are the ones that decide what happens to our neighbors. Hitler did not decide. Trump does not decide. We decide. We are the ones that throw that rock through a storefront. We are the ones that throw a bomb in a masque or a Southern Church. We are the ones. We are the ones that decide if ours is a country where "land of the free and home of the brave" really means something or if they're just words to a song with some really sketchy stanzas. 

Will we allow all people to be free? 

Will we be brave enough to make the right decisions? 

Will we?

Will we allow ourselves to be duped by some two-bit hate monger and fear peddled? 

This is our time. 

This is our fight.

This is our future. 

You are not better than someone else just because of the color of your skin. You're not better than someone else because of your gender or identity. You're not better than someone else because of the name you give to the god you pray to. And you're not better than someone else because of the person that you love. You're just not. 

Those are very simple sentences and very simple ideas. They're not complicated and they're pretty damn straightforward. These are the base fundamental elements that are supposed to unite our country and honestly, decent people everywhere. You shouldn't be considered arrogant to expect these things for yourself; you shouldn't be considered brave for demanding these things for all people; and you shouldn't be considered virtuous for taking exception to any of them.

And whatever beef you have with Hillary Clinton -- be it real or imagined -- is NOTHING compared to what you would be voting for if you chad up anyone else's name on your ballot in November. You may think that you'd be taking a stand for whatever ideal it is you've latched onto but just understand that your ideal is NOT more important than people's civil rights and understand that civil rights is exactly what we're talking about here. 

This is our time.

This is our fight.

This is our future.

This is our chance.

Don't disappoint the kid you once were. This will be so much bigger than not becoming an astronaut or a rock star. There's no coming back from this. In more ways than one.

Black and Blue

My blog post today is literally about one thing and one thing only. There's nothing else besides this I want to address and I want it to be very clear that there is only one point I'm wanting to make.

I've seen a number of good people post things since our latest wave of police violence against people of color that - in a nutshell - says that when you run away from the police, you should be prepared to die. 

Because if you don't comply with law enforcement, you deserve whatever happens to you.

Here is the one thing I would like to say to that.

I understand what you think it is you're saying. I understand that when someone runs from law enforcement, the natural and logical assumption by those police and/or other enforcement personnel is that you've done something wrong and that they better catch your ass quick.

I really do understand that. 

Aside from actually knowing good, honest people in uniform, I also just get how A + B = C. 

This is the perspective I would like to share with you, though. And I'm hoping that because you're logical and caring people that you'll give my point of view a chance before dismissing it outright. 

People of color have been discriminated against a lot. Flamingly violent racists aside, we can agree on that I think. And in addition to that discrimination being your general institutional and establishment racism (racism based on policy and practice), it has also come in the form of violence. 

A lot of violence.

And it's uncomfortable but I think we really need to face that right now.

People of color have had violence practiced upon them solely for their race for hundreds of years. In order to bring them to this country, we chained them. We chained them to boats. We chained them to each other. We put men and women who weren't criminals in chains and then forced them to do our work for us. 

Those people were beaten on a daily basis, perhaps even an hourly basis. Because of their skin. They were whipped. Because of their skin. They were raped. A lot. Because of their skin. They were tortured. Because of their skin. 

People of color have been hanged. Because of their skin. They've been lynched because of their skin. They've been set on fire. Because of their skin. They've been beheaded. Because of their skin. They've been drawn and quartered. Because of their skin. They've been tied to car bumpers and dragged, the modern day drawing and quartering. Because of their skin.

People of color have been stabbed because of their skin. People of color have been shot because of their skin. People of color have been brutalized because of their skin.

At a rate so astoundingly high that it should silence the voices of anyone that would like to imply that people of all races have had these problems. 

And the thing is, law enforcement has not been innocent of these crimes. Not when slavery first took hold, not when segregation was being challenged and not now. I am in no way saying that every law enforcement officer is guilty. Not at all. No way and no how. 

But some are a problem. 

Some have always been a problem.

And we, as white people, have not done enough historically and currently to eradicate these demons from our bevy of protectors. I'm sorry but we just haven't. We get too defensive when the topic is brought up, letting our guilt take over and allowing us to continue on practicing in a racist world. 

And now, because of it, we're at the motherfucking crossroads of all crossroads. Cause this is where we've ended up (and this here is my blog point):

When people of color see a law enforcement official with a gun in their hands, at their hip or even just in their holster, it is just like seeing anyone else off the street in possession of a gun. And, be honest, if someone you don't know approaches you with a weapon, you're going to be beyond uneasy. If they look like they mean business with that weapon when they call for your attention, that weapon starts to look bigger and bigger and badder and badder. 

We need to understand that in a lot of cases people of color are operating their daily lives with a severe case PTSD. Their entire history as a people, since the white man came into their lives, has been traumatic. Every step to reclaiming their freedom has been traumatic. And their "free" existence now continues to be traumatic. 

We cannot expect them to look at the world with the same eyes we do, for we have not been through the same things. Yes, some Caucasian people do not feel safe around police and other paid protectors, the same way that some people of color have been raised in an environment that sees them as people before seeing them as a demographic and therefore see the police as the good guys most of them are. 

But neither of these is the norm. 

And we need to understand that. 

We need to understand that there is a long history of violence that leads us to the fears that still linger today. When we have a friend or loved one that's a victim of abuse, we understand that people that remind them of their abuser can cause them to feel excruciating fear and have a desperate need to get away to safety. And we need to start looking at our current situation this way. We need to start understanding that people in uniform have one connotation for some people while having an entirely different connotation for others and these connotations are crucial to our ability to function as a civilized society. 

I'm very aware that there are situations that fall out of these parameters (like the fact that it seems we have people of color complying and still being killed) but, as I said earlier, I wanted to focus my blog on this one very specific topic. 

We say if people run from the police, they deserve whatever they get. But we forget that it's really not that simple. 

And we need to really work together as a country to stop this violence now before it grows even further. Before the United States becomes bedlam and we lose more good people and good law enforcement. Because, here's the thing...

Police officers and others in uniform are beginning to feel like they're being judged for the clothes they have on and not for who they actually are. 

They're starting to feel like people see them coming and automatically make negative judgements about them.

Police officers are even more afraid for their lives than normal because they think someone might shoot them either out of fear, anger or just because. 

Police officers are starting to feel like people of color. 

And when people who are required to carry and be skilled at using weaponry start feeling like they're backed into a corner, our country will be the bloodied victim. And we will have no one but ourselves to blame. 

Questions

Normally, I like to think that I have all the answers. Although I certainly haven't fooled myself into thinking I'm an astronaut or rocket scientist, I do like to think that I know stuff. I do well at Jeopardy. My educated guesses are pretty right on. I tend to figure out who the killer is pretty early in movies or tv shows. And I pick up things fairly quickly, in general. Basically, I'm awesome. 

But, this isn't that kind of blog post. 

Cause there are just some things that I don't understand. 

Like, superficial judgement. Whether it has do to with your race or gender or physical appearance, whatever. I don't get superficial judgement. I don't understand how just by looking at me, you think you know me. Skinny and fat shaming fall into this category. Thinking people with tattoos are somehow less responsible would fit into this one too. I mean, I just mentioned that I think I'm smart and yet I can promise you that those things don't help me determine what you're like. How the fuck do I know what you're like until I actually talk to you?

And another one. Religion. Judging people on their religion, I just don't understand. I mean, fuck off. If you know anything about the major religions we've got going on, you know that they're pretty similar in the things they preach. Sure, the stories they use are different but the morals tend to be very close to one another. So, why aren't religious people just happy that there are other religious people out there? Why aren't they happy that so many other people share their thoughts on how to live their life while they're here? Why isn't being a person of faith something that draws those people together instead of dividing them so significantly so often? 

And along those same lines, why is it that people are so intent on mixing religion and government? The same people that are constantly talking about how the second amendment is woven in gold and shouldn't have any limits of any kind have no problem disregarding freedom of religion and separation of church and state. How can you claim that one amendment is more important than another like that? And if you start reminding me that there isn't much ahead of the right to bear arms in the constitution, I'll remind you that freedom of religion is one of those that is. So given that, why does anyone think it's okay to force their religion on anyone else? I don't care how good you think yours is, faith and religion are very personal things and to tell anyone that you should be in charge of how they show their faith and choose to worship is criminal and a personal violation. 

Nextly (Yes, I know that's not a word, so what), why is it so fucking hard for some people to put themselves in someone else's shoes? Do we really need to have experienced something in order to be able to determine whether something is shitty or not? How is it that so many people can willfully ignore real problems and issues just because it isn't affecting them directly? How does it not cause them actual pain to see others in pain? How is this not a thing that everyone deals with? 

Also, why is it the initial reaction of so many to blame the victim? Is the idea of a broken system or fallen hero so horrifying to you that you would chose to stick your head in the sand, or worse, blame the injured party just in order to sleep better at night? And why isn't blaming the victim keeping you awake? Why does ignoring a real problem put some at ease instead of fighting for what's right? I understand that ignorance is bliss but what about an outright refusal to admit what you have to know deep down? Is that bliss as well? 

And are there really that many people out there that actually think that their race is a superior race? Cause sometimes it really seems like there are still a lot of people out there like that. Is that just a magnification of the terrible the way that tends to happen with the media or is that still a significant percentage of people? And for those people who truly believe this, how is that even possible? How can anyone actually think that one race is better than another? How can pigmentation mean so fucking much? 

And to that same end, are there also really people out there that think one gender is better than another? Do some feminists really believe women are better than men? Do other people really think that the majority of feminists have this warped view? Do some men really believe that they deserve to earn more for the same level of work? And are there really both men and women who think that the man should be the head of the household and the woman be subservient? And I don't mean just having traditional roles, I mean actually thinking that the man is the boss of the woman, as if husband replaces father and woman stays a child. 

Here's another: do most people really believe that their country is better than every other country and the people in it? Do most Americans really believe that they're better than other people from other places? And not your standard, respectful patriotism but the actual belief that being American means being better? And is the state of our country today not giving you pause in this belief system?

Question: are there really people out there that think that we can make life better for anyone through hate? Are there really people who don't view hate as a disease that needs to be eradicated? Are there really people left in this world who don't realize that hate destroys the soul, poisons the heart and decays the brain?

And with that same thought in mind, how does hurting other people not make some people feel terrible inside? How does causing pain in others not make some people wither inside? How can you cause tears in another and not feel a part of you die inside? And how does it seem like some people thrive on this feeling? How can it be that some people get energy from the destruction they cause in others? I was a dick to a guy in the drive-thru of an Arby's in Los Angeles about five to seven years ago and I still haven't been able to let it go. I was wrong and I was a dick and my friend told me so and I still feel bad. How is it that there are some people who don't work this way? 

And finally, how is it that for some people a stranger's own personal experiences and life choices are so deeply offensive? This one really fucks me up -- I just don't get it. I just don't understand. And if there's someone out there that this is true for, please, I beg you -- educate me. How is someone else's life experience -- someone that you don't know, someone who has no bearing on your life -- how do their actions and how does their life, in general, become so violently offensive to you? Why do you feel it's your place to watch them, judge them and then attempt to eviscerate them from afar just because you disagree with the way they classify themselves or the way feel they have to live their life in order to be true to themselves? And you know exactly what I'm talking about here, not serial killing, not theft or torture -- but choosing to become a more whole person, from their own perspective. How do you feel it's your place to take a very real and very painful situation and try to crush the person struggling with their own identity?

So these are just some of the questions I have. These are some of the things I've been struggling with, both lately and for a lot of my life. And sometimes it just gets tiring to try and try and try to come up with answers when it seems like so many people don't have any desire to actually come up with solutions. So, instead I wanted to share my questions and struggles with you, knowing that there are other people out there that have the same things going around in their minds. Maybe together we can work some things out.